Sea of Sheds

Sea of Sheds

Oh how our expectations have diminished. Just recently I became a victim to some local hype and heaped a visitation upon the opening of a brand new ASDA Supermarket. Ok, I’m not proud of it; heaped a visitation, where did that come from? I know… My step-father once came home covered in blood having been knocked off his bike. Instead of simply saying ‘some bastard’s just knocked me off me bike’ he said "Alice!!! (my mother) Alice!!! I’ve been a party to an accident"!

Anyroad, on my arrival I noticed a man proudly pacing up and down with an almost impatient stride. I casually approached this man, why? Because I had fuck all else to do, so shut-up…anyway, in an attempt to initiate a conversation I remarked on my surprise as to the level of interest in what is only a glorified shed with ASDA written on the side. He became defensive, perhaps understandably, after proclaiming he was the chief architect. On hearing this I proceeded to insult this man by shouting out ‘ARCHITECT!!! Fuck me, it’s a fucking ‘SHED’ I know builders who’d knock this up of a weekend from drawings on the back of fucking fag packet. You should have seen the look on his face….

What is it about ASDA customers anyway, where the fuck do these people come from? Who are these portly tattooed types who buy nothing but fags (cigarettes) and lottery scratch cards? Apparently, huge numbers of Asdarians drove hundreds of miles to witness the opening of this shed, fucking unbelievable. We’ve unwittingly become a nation of shed-wanderers and no-one seems to be questioning it…until now….

I think old Prince Charles has a point though doesn’t he? About modern architecture, not that sheds constitute architecture. Then again his mum (our Queen) recently opened terminal five at Heathrow, which, it has to be said, is another shed, a big one I grant you, but nonetheless, a shed….the furor that went with it, the fanfare, the bollocks about how wonderful it all is I found utterly bewildering. Is it the Sistine Chapel? No, it’s a fucking shed.

I recently took my daughter to Crealy Adventure Park. The experience for me was – well – sheds, screaming and incredibly loud music that I would happily kill someone to avoid. Crealy was once a farm and for some reason, I would imagine to avoid going out of business, they diversified and turned the whole kit n’ caboodle into an adventure park. Again, a bunch of sheds in the middle of a field with some horrible fast-food outlets and fairground rides etc..At least I now know where Asdarians go on holiday, there were literally thousands of em…Unfortunately it started to piss with rain and hordes of sweaty plebs flocked to the sheds for cover, not unlike the sheep which once adorned the farm, ironically.

My wife had to queue for 30 minutes for our veggie-burgers, serves us right for being vegetarians I suppose but it was slightly depressing that we, even in the confines of an ex farm shed, were being treated as, how should I say, not normal, lepers. Actually that’s normal for me; I don’t feel normal any more. It reminded me of flying with Lufthanser. As a vegetarian you have to pre-book what they call a ‘special meal’. A normal meal would be a beef sandwich with cheese whilst a ‘special meal’ is the same but with no beef. In other words, a fucking cheese sandwich..

I find it incredibly difficult to deal with certain situations, especially ones that strike me as being a bit odd or deliberately contrived to annoy me. I find it difficult because usually 98% of my brain is taken up by trying to work out a better way, an alternative as opposed to just accepting what is rather than dealing with the situation at hand…..My poor wife. I’m fast becoming a ‘problem old git’..

Anyway, this so-called day out for me was incredibly depressing, I tried my absolute hardest, for my daughter’s sake, to have a good time but all the way through the ordeal I felt so detached from the other people. My daughter of course had a wonderful time but I couldn’t help thinking what a shame Crealy wasn’t still a farm and people would then be forced to visit somewhere nice…..maybe I’m getting too old?

Keep it above the horizontal………

Higgs

the British curmudgeon….