Higgs Boson Blog

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Education

My dear little 4 year old daughter had her first day at school the other day. The best way to describe it perhaps would be to say, sweet but upsetting. After only a couple of days the tears have started and she is already rebelling against the whole idea. I remember my first day like it was yesterday, the whole process for me was nothing short of horrific. Anyway, I couldn’t help wondering why we are placing any kind of educational pressure on someone so young. The age of four is supposed to be a magical time of your life when your parents are taking all the strain and you can spend all day enjoying yourself and being waited-on hand and foot. Lovelly!!! Well not anymore, it seems the do-gooders and social welfare experts have their claws into this period of innocent fun. I think I’m right in saying that Great Britain (GB) is the only country in the world forcing its children at this young age into education. Could it be there’s a link between all our teenage problems and this early pressure being put on our toddlers?

As I’ve intimated, my daughters experience was in stark contrast to mine. Save for reading and writing I learnt absolutely bugger-all at school, certainly from the age of eleven onward. It was simple, the modus operandi was survival. If you could go the whole day without having the shit kicked out of you – that was a good day! I always felt that those who managed to avoid having their jaws realigned should’ve been awarded a special merit for initiative, but no. Sadly, unlike the people who enjoyed life under Genghis Khan we do not and have never lived in a meritocracy here in GB, more of a shaftocracy, one wrong move, one momentary lapse in concentration and you get shafted, by long-king-dongs bigger brother, usually. An Englishman’s word is his bond, bollocks! GB, welcome to a whole new world of pain!

So, it may or may not surprise you that like Shakespeare I did not go to University. Far better to live near one and capitalise on the benefits (women) rather than having to listen to a lot of boring old farts meaninglessly twittering on about fuck-all, caught in what I call a perpetual cycle of failure who, if it were not for the Universities would almost certainly be unemployed.

As I said my daughter is now at school and being a parent I was invited to the school for a discussion on their methodology. Now you’ll be amazed to hear that I didn’t really have much of a problem with how they intend to teach my daughter. No, my only concern, at this stage, was the level of involvement expected of the parents. I was absolutely horrified to learn that they actually expect me to do something, – shit…… This is surely going to expose me as the complete uneducated Neanderthal that I am. I thought Algebra was a small island off Spain! What’s going on? I mean does the surgeon ask you to be actively involved in the removal of grandpas’ genital warts? I don’t think so.

The school it seems has a worrying predilection for maths. This is an absolute disaster; I’m now dreading the homework. Why!! It never bothered me when I was actually at school why should it bother me now! I’ve worked this out. It’s the other parents; they look a bit snooty; they look like the sort of people who will relish the opportunity to make themselves look clever clog and me a complete twat. So Al, (physics teacher) if I get propositioned with x=y+zippadydooda= The Black and White Minstrel Show, you are just going to have to do it for me, and no back-chat mlad!

Anyway all was going relatively smoothly until entering one of the classrooms we were told not to refer to the large writing area on the wall as the ‘Blackboard’, this apparently has been outlawed by the government because it is deemed to be ‘racist’. They now refer to it as the ‘Whiteboard’. WTF!!! Here we go, now just hang on a minute; if Blackboard is racist then by definition so is Whiteboard. I have to say if I were black I would be extremely offended by this. Just because the name of something happens to have the word ‘black’ in it, because it is black, this does not make it offensive. UK Government policy is implying that the very word black is offensive, which is ultimately aiding and abetting institutionalised racism. I have black keys on my piano, what are they to be called, the pentatonic notes, or better still, the notes that aren’t white? If music is on the curriculum then I would imagine they’ll hit a slight problem when they encounter Debussy’s Gollywogs Cakewalk?

The second meeting at the school concerned ‘behaviour’. Now let me say at the outset: I think to attain discipline without the use of violence is an achievement, of sorts. I didn’t really think there was much of a problem with school policy until they said they had to threaten another parent with the Police because they shouted at another person’s child. Apparently government guidelines state that this constitutes a ‘verbal assault’. Hmmmm…..hang on a second, this is starting to smack of a grotesque level of governmental interference with the natural order…Be warned! Blair and Brown have created a quangocracy of bureaucrats/welfare experts, adrift in an ocean of cashola, ready to impose a reality duvet over every school in the country, fuckers! The result, schools are literally buried in a festival of regulation and guidelines that make little or no sense. Is bullying so bad? Here’s my first axiom ‘boys will be boys’. Some are aggressive others a little timid and sensitive, but you cannot regulate to the extent that every boy behaves as if he were the Admirable Crichton! For fuck sake!

There was none of this nonsense in my day. No political correctness. The whole system was run on the basis of violence. In fact there was virtual parity between violence in the playground and violence in the classroom. Simple, if wrong-doing became synonymous with a very sharp pain, this usual did the trick. I say usually, one boy, on leaving, went straight from school into Borstal (Juvenile Prison) whilst there the authorities apparently ‘broke him’. He now tortures little old ladies in a care home. Not really, but he does now own a Nursing Home and is a veritable pillar of society, bastard! He’s better off than me, and half the people I went to school with, including all those that went to University. All I’m saying is that just because your child gets a few knocks in the playground it’s not the end of the world. Its life, get over it.

Leaping forth….

Fact; Universities are losing credibility. I was surprised to learn that only 40% of employers believe the qualification has become devalued. I’m guessing that within that 40% there are some very significant players. A friend of mine works for a very well known software company. He tells me that such is the inability to carryout simple tasks by people who are literally armed to the teeth with qualifications (double first in computer science at Cambridge etc.) they no longer accept what is claimed on a persons CV. They now insist that they demonstrate their ability, in person, on a Blackboard, sorry Whiteboard (I’ll stop doing that now) before they are considered for employment. Invariably, he tells me, they end up employing some anorak who lives around the corner with no qualifications whatsoever. So where’s the value for money there then? Where’s the justification in spending all this money on higher education? Bertrand Russell apparently said, “The pursuit of knowledge is to be encouraged as it can be acquired by everyone at no-one’s detriment”. I don’t fucking think so Berty!

I would argue it’s to the detriment of the students themselves more than anything, especially when they find themselves (a) unemployed, or in a menial job, totally unrelated to their chosen degree subject and (b) up to their eye-balls in debt, which of course most of them are. In any case, it’s a known fact that education leads to beard growth, and that’s just the women. In some extreme cases it can lead to a moustache! But that’s rare, I’m told.

Despite the overwhelming evidence that could justify the scrapping of higher education altogether, especially Oxford and Cambridge, institutions founded on snobbery of the worst kind. Oxbridge produces more politicians than any other institution; this tells us something, does it not! Anyway Gordon Brown has just announced that he is most concerned with the fact that Britain is only producing 400,000 graduates each year, as apposed to the Chinese who produce several million, I’m told. Gordon clearly seas this as some kind of race, which must be won at all cost, ours!…… I have the answer! Send everyone a degree certificate in the post – job done. We’re already drowning in bloody graduates so why not do the job properly! Gordon claims that there’s a graduate skills shortage, graduate skills, what’s that then? Masturbating with Vicks super-rub and copying other peoples work off the Internet, possibly? – They must be doing something with their time if half of them are leaving school/university without the ability to read and or write. I can believe this, because I’ve locked horns with solicitors before now who were completely incapable of constructing a simple sentence. Just because they can translate a form of eighteenth century pirate language these fuckers think they’re worth £200 per hour, scumbags….or should I say scabby poltroons?

We live in a world where every mad decision can be attributed to some idiot with a degree. Look at out-of-town shopping centres; a direct result of some fucker with a degree in ‘town planning’ if ever there was one – I could spend all day here writing about the ridiculous decisions made by the high and mighty that defy logic, but I won’t. What I will say however, looking at various graduate forums etc. is that graduates are obsessed with their level of salary, they talk of graduate jobs and graduate salary is if they deserve some sort of special privilege. They never seem to talk about whether or not the job they are doing is of any value. One bloke said that he would not have gotten his job without his BSC qualification. So if these qualifications are the main criteria for employment across the board, anyone with the attributes of Shakespeare or Churchill would fail most job interviews. How mental is that? I can hear you say, what about medical doctors? Well, haven’t you noticed how they take all day typing the word ‘aspirin’ on their computer keyboards? I suppose you wouldn’t want your doctor to be any old numpty dragged off the street would you, unless of course your doctor happens to be Harold Shipman, or the like. Honestly, I could write a book about my three day roller-coaster experience in hospital recently, entitled ‘don’t stand so colostomy’. And all because the Muppet, otherwise known as my doctor, thought I had pulmonary something or other? 3 days of utter misery based on his educated guess. Doctors, I’ve shit’em….

Where was I? Ah….Interestingly the Japanese don’t inflict education on their young until the age of 7. Could it be that the Japanese have a better way? Their flock of graduates are far too busy naming their cars ‘Cedric’ to be bothered with the sort of social engineering being inflicted on my daughter. If you ever visit Japan you will notice that there are no rude daubings anywhere. Actually I found this slightly depressing, there’s nothing quite like a big cock drawn on the side of a bus to cheer everyone up! I digress, no… It seems the Japanese live in a very structured society. The Brits on the other hand are a very different kettle of fish, we in Britain hold all the records in Europe for obesity, poor health, child pregnancy/abuse and violent crime etc. the list is literally endless. Doubtless crime exists in Japan but you will rarely encounter drunkenness or any kind of violence.

A lot of Britain’s ills are being blamed on the lack of education, this is bollocks, it’s just that people here like drug-taking, fighting and shagging, simultaneously. This is a potent combination that’s served this country since the dawn of civilization. Furthermore, if my neighbours represent a microcosm of British society, then may the gods help us all. And I’m talking mainly retired people here, people who are to all intense and purposes, dead or almost dead. Here in Britain there are more boundary disputes than Palestine. If guns were as freely available here as they are in the United States there would be gun battles in every street in Britain, I guarantee it. This might explain why our monarch remains the figurehead for two thirds of this planet?

I digress, again. Look at Holland; the Dutch have completely disappeared up their own arses with this education racket. I’m told they have huge problems with over-education. Apparently they can’t find anyone to do any of the so-called ‘dirty jobs’, jobs that require bending over and stuff. I have the solution! Here in Britain we have literally hoards of Drama students looking for work who’ve spent the best part of three years, at great public expense, doing nothing other than bending over! These people are super-fit and cum fully acclimatised to up-hill-gardening! So, Holland being very flat, should be an absolute doddle? I was going to suggest sending over an army of toothless simpletons but they’re all too busy here running things.

Now there’s talk of inaccurate exam results which they claim are linked with online marking, this further exacerbates the credibility issue. Chris (crusty botch of nature) Woodhead (CBN) on the BBC says that “lives are at stake” because kids are missing their opportunity to go to University. What people like CBN fail to understand is that when they are assessing abilities based on their system, the failures, as he puts it, are not the fault of the children themselves; it is a monumental failure of parenting and teaching caught up in the system that people like CBN created in the first place, the system being society.

This educative training course racket is an absolute fucking cancer. On the news recently was a child who tragically drowned while two police officers looked on, and did nothing. Apparently the excuse was that they did not jump in to save this poor boy because, wait for it, they hadn’t been trained in ‘water rescue’! Now I understand that this is not a subject for levity but there is a link between this and how society is structured. And who’s responsible for this structure, it’s these fuckers that go to Cambridge…Something has to be done…I mean it won’t be long before people start having their arses stitched-up because they’re not trained to go for a shit!

Talking of which, an ex girlfriend of mine was offered a place at Cambridge; she turned it down in favour of London University. Silly cow, she could’ve been running a string of abortion clinics by now. Although personally I wouldn’t have her run a fucking bath much less a clinic. And as for mature students, a friend of mine sold his house, gave up a good job to go and do a degree in Archaeology; because he thought it would improve his job prospects. Errrrrrr wrong…..

Education is all very fine but I still maintain the old axiom ‘ignorance is bliss’ is an absolute. Always has been, always will be. Why? Let me explain……

Ignorance is a widely misunderstood word, it implies that you are too stupid to be educated; this is not the case, in my view it simply means you are unaware of certain facts. That is a state of mind most people are in, unless you happen to be my wife! The less you know the better. It leads to happiness, realistic expectations and ultimate fulfilment; add in a healthy dollop of ‘no ambition’ – voila! – Do not be alarmed my friend, for you are in Elysium!

It’s all these careerist fuckers running around with a broom up their arse so they can sweep the floor at the same time, busy-bodying themselves, and everyone in their wake, into an early grave who are destroying this planet. The sort of people who think that someone’s CV is some kind of affidavit from god! When the TRUTH is what they are looking at is a complete and utter pack of exaggerated bollocks, based on the assumptions of an entity caught up in the perpetual cycle of failure, usually.

My local newspaper were recently advertising for cleaners; please send CV to…..I was going to apply but there was little point since I aint got va necessary qualifikashons. I mean, how could I prove on paper that I can swing a fucking mop? Talking shit is one thing; cleaning shit takes real skill!

Talking of which, how many English degree students do you know who are truly happy and fulfilled? There heads are full of DH Lawrence, Satre, Blake and Hardy – no-wonder they’re all depressed. They leave University with a completely unrealistic view of the world and end up grossly disappointed as a result. Conversely the happiest people I know are the most ignorant, that is people in possession of no facts at all! – The sort of people who like to dig a ditch, and stand in it all day, happily. What was it? Happy as a pig in shit!

Tolkien, as you know worked at a University, well nobody’s perfect. I believe he was a professor. Anyway, from what I can gather he spent most of his time living in a fantasy world, no change with his modern counterparts there then, but at least he had one thing right; a simple life is to be celebrated. Unfortunately this simple message has not made any impact on modern life whatsoever. I blame this northern puritan work ethic lark, it’s like a virus, it spreads throughout the mind and before you know it you’ve wasted your entire life in reckless pursuit of the unattainable in some meaningless job. Of course when only one person embarks on this course it doesn’t have any impact, but when billions are at it – destruction of the planet! This is why I believe that politicians who raise expectations beyond what is sustainable in order to get elected, should be shot, which just happens to be most of them.

What the hell is wrong with being lazy? It’s stood me in good stead!

One of my school reports said; Higgs is lazy in the extreme, he makes little effort to do anything or learn anything yada-yada-yada …. Yet I get an A for spelling? You see what they singularly fail to understand is that doing nothing and getting away with it, is an art-form. Of course back when this character assassination/report was written I clearly had a lot to learn. Not any more, I now consider myself to be one of the world leaders in this field. I’m giving you pearls here!

Of course being uneducated has its advantages, it affords anyone the luxurious position of being able to stand on the side-lines and scoff at just about everything, which is what I’m doing. The disadvantages are that my plans to become a clitoral nerve-ending specialist have to be put on the back-burner while I cosy-up to a University for an honorary degree in how to talk shit. Fat chance! It seems I’m being completely out-manoeuvred by a gaggle of post-grads. Fuckers!

HB

The goon with the BIG hatchet!

Posted on November 10th, 2009 under Politics • Tags: Degree, Doctorate, Education, English, Math, Qualification, Thesis, University. • RSS 2.0 feed • Leave a response, or trackback