Age and Beauty
Age and Beauty
I don’t know about you but I’m starting to feel a bit old and as much as I try to fight it, more worryingly, I’m actually starting to *think* old, and I’ve started to breath like my father when he was a certain age too, you know, expelling excessive amounts of air through the nose, no, maybe it’s just me then. Anyway, this is incredibly annoying because there is literally no point in expending any energy whatsoever on worrying about something you cannot actually do anything about. We all get old, I accept that, but I must admit, other old people are starting to irritate the living shit out of me. There really are some very nasty old selfish codgers wandering or worse driving around with no purpose it seems other than to get in my fucking way, and why oh why do over-weight people, pensioners usually, always stand chatting in doorways? Where’s my gun? Scrooge was right, better to decrease the surplus population and what better way to go? And I’d be doing a public service by freeing up countless doorways and liberating the eardrums of mine and every other compos mentis human being from having to endure seemingly endless pointless conversations. I have noticed amongst my own relatives that the older they are, the madder they are, they get one mad idea after another, and I don’t know about you but I find it utterly exhausting to deal with. My own mother for instance will make up anything just for the sake of it in order to have some pointless conversation about something that either doesn’t exist or is about a subject that is literally mind-numbingly trivial.
Just the other day I was aimlessly meandering through our local town (again) and I swear to god I started to feel like Clive Owen in that film Children of Men, a very depressing little film if there ever was one. Anyway, I got caught-up in Marks & Spencer (retail shop) and in struggled a man, being helped, severely out of breath taking very short steps, grey expressionless face, mouth fixed open, he had what I would describe as the ‘look of death’ about him. I said to my wife, that bloke, he looks like he’s about to peg-out? And sure enough ten minutes later the Ambulance arrived and carted this poor guy off. I later discovered that if you die in Marks & Spencer they pay compensation to the family. This explains virtually everything one needs to know about our stupid ‘culture’.
People it seems are obsessed with teenage behaviour but the spotlight is never focused in on all those embittered old buggers driving around with no particular purpose, they’re either standing around in doorways, queue jumping old bastards that think they have a complete moral monopoly to barge their way into any situation and expect to be served before anyone else, fuckers! They push, they shove, they are probably the rudest people on the planet. The English that is, I can’t speak for anywhere else. Why should they get instant sympathy, they’ve had a long life, they should be grateful for that. but oh no. Just a couple of months ago I was actually the victim of a road-rage incident. You are not going to believe this but there I was, innocently minding my own business, well, I was in a car obviously, came up to a roundabout and spotted in the distance some old fucker driving a Rover, as they invariably do, and I thought, hang on, I must pull out before that git gets too close or I’ll be stuck behind him for all eternity! Anyroadup, I pulled out to turn left and this bloke was absolutely livid, waving his fists and everything. He looked about 75 ish, it actually cross my mind to let him catch-up and for once I could kick some ass, but unfortunately sense got the better of me. When he did catch-up, because I eventually had to turn right, I have never seen such anger in a mans face. The thing was though, I didn’t hold him up at all really, I was miles in front of him when I initially pulled out, so what was his fekin problem? His problem was simple ‘old’, his marbles had seriously diminished and was no longer able to think rationally, well what’s he doing with a fucking driving license then?
I must admit that I myself have become a victim of this endless quest to remain young by staying as healthy as possible, in my case I have started to exercise by risking life and limb cycling on the open road, and believe you me, it is risking life and limb because cars are getting fatter, people are getting fatter, our local council can’t decide whether to widen the pavements or the fucking roads! Also, everywhere you go is either uphill or down so cycling is no mean feat here in Devon where I live. Anyway, on this obsession with age and beauty, there’s a rather amusing television program here in the UK called ‘Ten Years Younger’, maybe you’ve seen it? Basically they take people who have completely abused their bodies to the extent that when they get into their forties they actually look like they’re in their sixties or seventies in some cases. The aim is, with the aid of either surgery or a bucket of of make-up, to make these people look 10 years younger. What a laugh, don’t they know that beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes all the way to the bone!
If you find yourself inexplicably reading this and happen to be very old, don’t worry, you’ll have forgotten all about it by teatime, I promise, and before you can say prunes and denture cream you’ll be quaffing marzipan with lard butties all washed down nicely with a jam and cabbage milkshake! Although if this is your reality make sure you have plenty of that Izal tracing paper toilet role in stock. I cannot believe that anyone in their right mind still uses that stuff, unbelievable! No wonder they all constantly complain about their arses.
Am I to be spared the indignity of old age? Someone shoot me, please!
On that note……….Merry Christmas & a Glorious New Year to you ALL!
Higgsy
