I don’t know about you but I’m starting to feel a bit old and as much as I try to fight it, more worryingly, I’m actually starting to *think* old, and I’ve started to breath like my father when he was a certain age too, you know, expelling excessive amounts of air through the nose, no, maybe it’s just me then. Anyway, this is incredibly annoying because there is literally no point in expending any energy whatsoever on worrying about something you cannot actually do anything about. We all get old, I accept that, but I must admit, other old people are starting to irritate the living shit out of me. There really are some very nasty old selfish codgers wandering or worse driving around with no purpose it seems other than to get in my fucking way, and why oh why do over-weight people, pensioners usually, always stand chatting in doorways? Where’s my gun? Scrooge was right, better to decrease the surplus population and what better way to go? And I’d be doing a public service by freeing up countless doorways and liberating the eardrums of mine and every other compos mentis human being from having to endure seemingly endless pointless conversations. I have noticed amongst my own relatives that the older they are, the madder they are, they get one mad idea after another, and I don’t know about you but I find it utterly exhausting to deal with. My own mother for instance will make up anything just for the sake of it in order to have some pointless conversation about something that either doesn’t exist or is about a subject that is literally mind-numbingly trivial.

Just the other day I was aimlessly meandering through our local town (again) and I swear to god I started to feel like Clive Owen in that film Children of Men, a very depressing little film if there ever was one. Anyway, I got caught-up in Marks & Spencer (retail shop) and in struggled a man, being helped, severely out of breath taking very short steps, grey expressionless face, mouth fixed open, he had what I would describe as the ‘look of death’ about him. I said to my wife, that bloke, he looks like he’s about to peg-out? And sure enough ten minutes later the Ambulance arrived and carted this poor guy off. I later discovered that if you die in Marks & Spencer they pay compensation to the family. This explains virtually everything one needs to know about our stupid ‘culture’.

People it seems are obsessed with teenage behaviour but the spotlight is never focused in on all those embittered old buggers driving around with no particular purpose, they’re either standing around in doorways, queue jumping old bastards that think they have a complete moral monopoly to barge their way into any situation and expect to be served before anyone else, fuckers! They push, they shove, they are probably the rudest people on the planet. The English that is, I can’t speak for anywhere else. Why should they get instant sympathy, they’ve had a long life, they should be grateful for that. but oh no. Just a couple of months ago I was actually the victim of a road-rage incident. You are not going to believe this but there I was, innocently minding my own business, well, I was in a car obviously, came up to a roundabout and spotted in the distance some old fucker driving a Rover, as they invariably do, and I thought, hang on, I must pull out before that git gets too close or I’ll be stuck behind him for all eternity! Anyroadup, I pulled out to turn left and this bloke was absolutely livid, waving his fists and everything. He looked about 75 ish, it actually cross my mind to let him catch-up and for once I could kick some ass, but unfortunately sense got the better of me. When he did catch-up, because I eventually had to turn right, I have never seen such anger in a mans face. The thing was though, I didn’t hold him up at all really, I was miles in front of him when I initially pulled out, so what was his fekin problem? His problem was simple ‘old’, his marbles had seriously diminished and was no longer able to think rationally, well what’s he doing with a fucking driving license then?

I must admit that I myself have become a victim of this endless quest to remain young by staying as healthy as possible, in my case I have started to exercise by risking life and limb cycling on the open road, and believe you me, it is risking life and limb because cars are getting fatter, people are getting fatter, our local council can’t decide whether to widen the pavements or the fucking roads! Also, everywhere you go is either uphill or down so cycling is no mean feat here in Devon where I live. Anyway, on this obsession with age and beauty, there’s a rather amusing television program here in the UK called ‘Ten Years Younger’, maybe you’ve seen it? Basically they take people who have completely abused their bodies to the extent that when they get into their forties they actually look like they’re in their sixties or seventies in some cases. The aim is, with the aid of either surgery or a bucket of of make-up, to make these people look 10 years younger. What a laugh, don’t they know that beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes all the way to the bone!

If you find yourself inexplicably reading this and happen to be very old, don’t worry, you’ll have forgotten all about it by teatime, I promise, and before you can say prunes and denture cream you’ll be quaffing marzipan with lard butties all washed down nicely with a jam and cabbage milkshake! Although if this is your reality make sure you have plenty of that Izal tracing paper toilet role in stock. I cannot believe that anyone in their right mind still uses that stuff, unbelievable! No wonder they all constantly complain about their arses.

Am I to be spared the indignity of old age? Someone shoot me, please!

On that note……….Merry Christmas & a Glorious New Year to you ALL!

Higgsy

Higgs on Myspace

Global Warming

What troubles me about this whole debate, if you can call it that, is that if anyone dares to question the alleged globally accepted wisdom of climate change scientists they are more or less treated as holocaust deniers, fringe lunatics on the very edge of sanity. Here in the UK environmentalism is getting very evangelical and is actually on the cusp of being legally viewed as a religion. It will mean that you cannot be fired/sacked or even made redundant if you happen to have certain unspecified deeply held beliefs about the environment. Another thing is that whenever broadcasters debate this issue, rarely is that debate balanced, by that I mean they never manage to find a scientist –  and they do exist –  to put a counter argument to this whole global warming issue. By that I mean no one is arguing that the climate doesn’t fluctuate; the issue is whether or not, or at least to what extent humans are responsible for that climate fluctuation.

As I see it the problem is a real dichotomy for the creatures who aim to control us all, because you cannot on one hand support the perpetual growth of the human population and talk about raising living standards etc. whilst simultaneously delivering the necessary actions required to save the planet. That’s simplifying it I know because there are so many complex forces all pulling in different directions. Because of this I believe that multi-property owning energy munching politicians should just shut the fuck-up. I also believe that whatever they say about the importance of this so-called new Copenhagen Treaty, will be, and is already proving to be, total bollocks. This treaty will undoubtedly lead to a festival of utterly stupefying legislation that’ll drive us all nuts. They say it’s important; no it isn’t, not really. What’ll happen is that a few people/companies/countries, probably their mates, will become incredibly rich on the back of their carbon trading policies because the commercial world is simply not able to operate within their parameters as set out no doubt in said treaty. If the environmentalists are to be believed then we need zero emissions now, not in 2020. But the thing is politicians simply won’t tell us the truth because zero emissions or even lowering emissions to any great extent in the short term means the end of capitalism, the end of industrialisation and the end of life as we know it.

I am not going to be the first person to say this but anyone serious about saving the planet would not be using the Internet, inconvenient I know but imagine how much energy it requires, the world over. I suppose new technologies will emerge and PC’s will become evermore eco-friendly but I say why can’t we do this now, why can’t we utilise the energy from existing internet usage? As we all know approximately 95% of internet traffic is pornography, so why not harness this energy somehow, channel this raw energy into the flux capacitor, so to speak, from the heat generated by our genitals? There’s a thought, the new Dell Genitalia, has a certain ring to it, no? Anyway lap-top fuckers of the world could unite and save the planet at the same time! It could even be an Olympic sport, well maybe not. Anyroad, taking Microsoft’s touch-screen technology in just a few years that could really take-off, as this technology develops I can envisage computers that look and feel exactly like a real woman or real man depending upon your particular persuasion. The interesting thing though, for me, is to predict when precisely the scientists take a step back and think: hang on, why don’t we use real women? There we are, full circle as usual, meanwhile yet another giant whole in the ozone layer has been created and the bloody scientists get to blame someone else, the lap-top fuckers no doubt.

I remember during the last general election campaign fiasco I was innocently drifting through the high street, trying to ignore the pain caused by my wife’s shopping expedition, when I suddenly happened upon a particularly enthusiastic Green Party candidate. Nothing annoys me more than misplaced left wing over enthusiasm. Anyway, unfortunately I was feeling slightly argumentative and for no apparent reason decided to engage the fucker! As I understand it he was basically saying that the planet is being destroyed by global warming, sea levels are rising and we’re all about to drown in a tidal wave of our own shit and the road to salvation is to vote for him, sort of thing, an apocalyptic sermon as it were..Eventually I managed to get a word in. I suppose the look on my face must have said it all because the small gathering suddenly became very quiet, a hushed silence you might say. I started by saying that you could fill the UK Parliament with Green Party MP’s and it wouldn’t make a scrap of difference to what you describe as ‘global warming’, or if you want to be more precise, the rate at which the earth is heating up as a direct result of human agency, of which there is no real evidence and in point of fact there is no real evidence that C02 (carbon dioxide) drives the earths climate anyway. I swear you could actually see steam coming out of this blokes ears, it was almost like saying to a born-again Christian well if your particular god does exist he’s a bit of a c**t, look! Spina bifida!

Why, he said. CHINA, that’s why. The Chinese are opening three new fossil fuel driven power stations every week! Ah, he said, we need to set an example. Oh for fuck sake!! You totally over estimate the potential British input here, we are a tiny sod of earth just off the coast of France, what possible difference could we make? I don’t think there are many foreign countries that’ll be willing to take any lessons from the British do you? I honestly think some of these environmentalists have a sort of Harry Enfield Look Listen and Take Heed Chalmondeley Warner hallucination as to the size of Britain’s influence on these matters. I digress, anyway even if we were to comply with your every fantasy and people en-masse start spending small fortunes on having solar panels and wind turbines etc. Oh and those bloody silly low energy light bulbs the only people that would benefit are those fekers with all their money invested in the making of the sodding stuff. In any case, as I’ve said, there is no real evidence that it is human agency causing climate fluctuation. The fact is that the earth’s climate has been in a state of flux since the dawn of time, humans have only been here five minutes, in geological terms.

Study of pollen has proven that the climate here in England during the Bronze Age was in fact warmer than it is now. Go back even further in time say 500,000 years and here in Devon the climate was virtually sub-tropical, I’m told we had creatures such as Elephants and even Lions wandering around. What fucking global warming, I’m freezing my nuts off here, why do I have to insulate my home if the world is going to be a bit warmer? Well apparently here in the UK it’s going to get colder, I’m sorry, they’ve lost me there! How do they explain these anomalies in America? Are they telling you that Fred Flintstone ran his monster truck on unethical fart power? Talking of which, there’s also growing concern that man’s obsession with all things bovine and the inevitable consequence (cow shit, or to be precise methane) of the meat industry is also having an adverse effect on the climate. It was reported on the BBC News that scientists in India are recommending that people should eat less meat. As a vegetarian I say stop eating meat by all means but don’t subject me and my friends to a bewildering array of insane environmental regulations based on the so-called scientific dodgy dossier evidence dreamt up by various government scientists with their fingers in the fucking till. They’ll say anything for money, look at the oil company Shell or the tobacco industry, they paid scientists a fortune just to say exactly what they wanted to hear. Take it from me, you ARE being manipulated and lied to. Oh, you don’t believe me? Then take a look at this recent article entitled:

Climate scientists accused of ‘manipulating global warming data’

This appeared in the broadsheet news paper – -  The Daily Telegraph – -  In any case, if cows were the main cause of excessive greenhouse gasses what on earth would Brontosaurus farts do to the planet? They must have caused one hell of a hole in the ozone layer over a period of 600 million years, how did it repair itself then? Did the dinosaurs have solar panels and low energy light bulbs? Were they recycling and washing out their Marmite pots? I don’t fucking think so somehow, do you? Maybe it was Fred Flintstone after all, bloody Americans! WILMA!!! Perhaps Fred had one too many Pteranodon curries which culminated in a critical green house gas event in his pants – Rectaloxide (ROX) being the hitherto unaccounted for green house gas in dinosaur extinction folklore. That would’ve been the final straw for the dinosaurs in my view, just one fart too many and – BOOM!

The problem is that there are now huge vested interests in hoodwinking the public into swallowing this whole climate change bollocks. It’s not just politicians and scientists, it’s journalists, university lecturers as well, they are ALL making a very good living, thank you very much, out of spouting this largely unproven bollocks, most of which is pure postulation and guess work, and the public being the public seem to be swallowing it hook line and sinker, as usual. It’s when they start tinkering with the law that pisses me off. I mentioned low energy light bulbs, soon it will be against the law to have any traditional light bulbs in your house, but this again is total crap. This is NOT about saving energy at all. I was talking to an electrician about this and he said that because these new eco light bulbs or halogen lights don’t emit much light, his customers are telling him to install in some cases up to a dozen or more low energy halogen lights to make up for the lack in light, which as a result then uses  much more electricity than having just one florescent tube. In any case I strongly object to being told by government to get buying their light bulbs or face prosecution, it’s the law, which I have no doubt is going to be used as a form of persecution so we are forced to line their pockets. Forcing people by law to use specific light bulbs is not green environmentalism, it’s fascism.

Here in the UK, because the price of heating your home has doubled in recent years, this has culminated in a massive rise in the sale of wood burners. I would imagine, although I could be wrong, but I doubt it, that this would negate or rather cancel-out any alleged gains made by the low energy light bulb extravaganza. Solar panels and in particular those solar tubes for heating water are so expensive they are the preserve of the super-rich and in any case they don’t actually save you any money for nearly 30 years, by which time the bloody stuff will be worn out anyway, especially if it has ‘Made in England’ stamped on it. Not for one moment wishing to sound like Ricky Gervaise but I think someone’s having a laugh here aren’t they?

Then there’s recycling, what a waste of time that is, my mother organises her entire life around recycling and those bloody great big green garden waste bins that she seems to think need filling up, to the brim, at all cost, whether they need filling or no, every week. Then the council arrive in a fucking great lorry to collect all this pointless waste, in the meantime my garden, just like the Brazilian rainforest is fast disappearing. Is this energy efficient or being in any way whatsoever kind to the environment. In my humble opinion, no. Turns out that many councils are exporting our waste to China for processing! How can this possibly be regarded as environmentally friendly? They are cutting down the tropical rain forest in order to produce bio diesel. I don’t care what anyone says, this is literally insane. Again, if governments were serious this activity would stop and stopping this would surely be a lot easier than trying to persuade the great unwashed to change their habits?

If the British government were truly concerned about global warming why do they hound so-called new-age travellers, these are people who, by the very fact they live as they do, have little or no impact on the global environment. If they choose to live and mind their own business in the woods and live outside society, why not let them? Various local governments (councils) up and down the country go to extraordinary lengths to evict people living in this way, again it’s a form of persecution, why? Because it’s all about making the rich middle class feel just a little bit better about themselves, it is only they that can afford all this zero carbon house bollocks. If politicians were actually serious about climate change why are they encouraging local councils up and down the country in the rural areas of Britain to buy loads of clapped-out Double-Decker busses from the cities? These busses emit incredible amounts of pollution because most of there lives have been spent driving around the flat areas of suburbia when suddenly it has to start climbing steep hills. I know, every time I  venture out on my bike I have to breath-in the acrid exhaust fumes of these huge busses being driving around with only one or two passengers on board. Back in 80’s we had mini-busses, what the fuck happened to them?

Here where I live the traffic is now virtually bumper to bumper 4×4’s being driven by people who not only have no concept of the width or the length of their vehicle but people who are completely oblivious to their surroundings and self evidently any ethical dimension to their actions i.e driving their children to school when they only live 500 yards up the road. As Sean Lock said “there are people who would happily fly to the shops”. If the government were serious about climate change why are they encouraging people to buy a new car by scrapping the old one? Why prop-up an industry that is largely responsible for the human contribution to climate change? The list of governmental inconsistencies goes on and on because they wont face up to the fact that capitalism and what they describe as progress sits very uncomfortably with environmentalism and because their selfish voters get twitchy if their life-styles get threatened politicians are shall we say economical with the truth.

I am reminded of something that happened to me in my childhood. I was raised on a farm that was situated at the bottom of a valley which was once formed part of a river system, a tributary I suppose, I’m told that the valley was once tidal. Following development, this meant that the valley occasionally flooded and when this happened half the town got flooded, including our farm. Anyway one year it was particularly bad to the extent that I thought we were all going to drown. My step father was having his breakfast, as usual, when I entered and warned him that perhaps we should start moving stuff upstairs. This advice was treated with utter contempt, he just sat there stuffing his face, oh well I thought, he can fucking drown then for all I care, perhaps he could use a slice of toast as a life raft, twat. Anyway, sure enough the water was coming across the main road and into the farmyard. Eventually, the water came within an inch of our front door and still the stupid man was acting as if nothing was happening. It was only when he opened the door to a room we called the ‘bug-hole’ (a workshop) anyway he opened the door and to his horror the carpet was literally floating. Only then would he act.

So there we are, do you really think people are going to change their habits? No one in their right mind believes anything governments tells them. and as for people changing now, not a cats chance in hell! The only thing that would stop these women who drive their progeny 500yrds to school is if the price of fuel is raised to £200 per gallon. Is that going to happen, errrrrr, NO!

This very morning I was listening to BBC Radio4 and the subject was of course climate change and this forthcoming Copenhagen Treaty. During the interview with what I presumed was a climate change scientist, the scientist said that there is now irrefutable evidence that humans cause climate change.* This is nothing short of disingenuous isn’t it? To say or suggest that humans are the sole cause of climate change to me is ridiculous. We are partly responsible, possibly? Some scientists say that we need zero carbon emissions now, not in ten years time so what the hell is the point of this Copenhagen Treaty which by all accounts has already failed… Well perhaps the word ‘failed’ is too strong, I dare say they all ‘succeeded’ in claiming their expenses from the public purse, bastards. Don’t kid yourself, they don’t give a flying fuck about the environment, if they did they’d fucking walk to Copenhagen, well the European one’s would..Would I walk there? Don’t be a twat! I’d be circling in me Leer jet, arse out the window shouting ‘eat this fuckers!

A couple of days ago on the BBC News Sophie Rayworth asked the British Environment Secretary Hilary Ben if climate change was responsible for the floods in Cumbria as it is reckoned to be a ‘one in one thousand year event’. Hilary Ben said “well scientists tell us that we will experience more extreme weather as the earth warms up”. Now hang on a minute, just a couple of years ago, if I remember correctly, the scientists were saying that here in Britain we will experience milder winters. Now apparently they are saying that we will experience more frequent ‘extreme events’. They flip-flop more often than the weather ever did. Anyway, Sophie then went on to say that it’s the heaviest rain or most amount of rain in Cumbria since “records” began. What does that mean? Nothing, in terms of how the earths climate is effected by our activities, it’s always fucking raining in Cumbria, I know, I lived their once for six months, in a tent, mad. The thing is rainfall is not the only factor in determining the causes of flooding. Take our valley, as I said. it was once part of a river system. Most of the flooding is caused by water run-off from houses the local council have permitted to be built, not on the flood-plane but higher up on the hills. In other words the water has to go somewhere, downward usually. This rather simple scientific principle is totally lost on local government officials who wonder why the town is prone to flooding. Before all this development water would have simply dissipated/soaked away naturally through the ground, helped by all the trees, which of course have all been felled to make way for completely unnecessary development. I say unnecessary because it’s houses for bloody Londoners, that makes it unnecessary.

So there we are, fuck-all to do with climate change really but the way in which politicians present the issue, suggesting that alleged human driven climate change is the cause, is just plain wrong. Not only that, can anyone really believe them when it is they that are largely responsible for all that is wrong with the world. Talking of trees, they are cutting down the tropical rain forest in order to produce bio diesel. I don’t care what anyone says, this is literally insane. Again, if governments were actually serious and their words actually meant anything this activity would stop immediately, and stopping this would surely be a lot easier than trying to persuade the great unwashed to change their habits before we all become criminals in our own homes?

trouble is there is an inconsistency in my argument because on one hand I am saying that people won’t change their habits and on the other hand not wanting to change the law when clearly the only way to get people to comply is to use the law. Fuck me, it’s going to end up far worse than George Orwell ever could have imagined isn’t it? It’ll be just like what Bill Hicks said about car drivers allowing people to cross the road in LA, only in LA does this common courtesy require legislation, but that’s what people are like all over the world really I suppose, we are fucking doomed, are we not..

Some scientists claim that the cause of climate change has more to do with Sun spots/solar storms and that the activity of the Sun has a far greater effect on the earths climate than previously thought. In 1859 the earth experienced what is described as the ‘perfect storm’. This, even back then, created absolute havoc, but imagine if this were to happen today, it might happen in 2012 because Sun spot cycles recur every eleven years. Anyway if this were to happen on the same scale as in 1859 there would be a literal meltdown of society as we know it, this has absolutely nothing to do with green house gas emissions, but given our total economic dependency on all things electrical, it would surely be a total disaster. Given the multiple of factors involved here I believe that it is perfectly reasonable to say that climate change is caused by a number of much misunderstood phenomenon’s. It is simply not good enough to say that any one cause warrants the spawning of an entire new industry and all the subsequent legislation that will follow, when all they really need to do is tell people to start shagging their laptops instead of each other, in other words; have less children. That my friends is the real inconvenient truth.

Higgs Boson

http://www.higgsboson.com/

http://www.myspace.com/higgsbosonuniverse

Copyright: Higgs Boson 2009

Crime And Punishment

This is a very old chestnut, used by politicians who would have us all believe that they and they alone can solve all our criminal problems by locking everyone up, and some believe the answer to be capital punishment, or as I like to call it, state sponsored murder, for everyone, irrespective of whether or not a crime has actually been committed. Admittedly this only applies to the extreme politician, you know, the ones that sex-up the case for going to war and use the Royal Prerogative to bypass the House of Commons. Anyway, it is my belief that the very idea of justice is in fact a kind of warped mythology. There is no such thing as justice at the end of the day; it is a figment of a politician’s and or lawyer’s limited imagination.

Gandhi said “an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind”. Another way of looking at it perhaps is to say that there is a moral price to pay, whether or not you believe that you are right or wrong, for *legal* retribution. If that is so then where does *justice* fit in? Is justice achieved by attempting to balance what a particular society perceives to be a wrong by causing yet more pain? Does this help to alleviate grief or add to it, ultimately? Time and time again you see people on the court steps proclaiming justice has been done, but has it? I think people mistake justice for revenge, surely that’s just storing up more hatred. You simply cannot cause any kind of inconvenience to someone else without generating a negative reaction. Whatever happened to “turning the other cheek”? 
On this, what a society perceives to be a wrong business. Take Holland for instance. There you can legally have sex with a 13 year old in return for two buckets of cocaine and be given the Queens award for initiative. Thirty miles away in England, you’d get 30 years at Her Majesty’s pleasure for that! There’s no justice! Sit back down, I’m joking!

And don’t run away with the idea that America has the monopoly on reprehensible behaviour. Just a couple of years ago, here in the UK, a woman stabbed her boyfriend in an argument over a burger! I wonder, well not really, but it must have been something else to witness eh? I ordered FRIES YOU FUCKER!!! Stab Stab Stab! Whatever happened to Tony Blair’s cry/sound bite ‘tough on crime, tough on the causes of crime’? I repeat, A BURGER! Also there’s an ongoing case here now about a mother who had her own 8yr old daughter kidnapped for the sole purpose of getting money, you couldn’t make it up!

Of course at the other end of the intellectual spectrum just recently we have a lawyer’s mother suing her lawyer daughter over allegations made in a book about alleged abuse during childhood. I wonder what Christmas dinner in their house is going to be like? I ordered ROYAL SWAN YOU FUCKER!!! Stab Stab Stab! Makes you wonder just how far we’ve come since T Blair’s clause 4 statement/bollocks about the rights we enjoy reflecting the duties we owe, and where we live together, freely, in a spirit of solidarity, tolerance and respect. Pffffff. Ultimately people do not change, as leopards do not change their spots. I say people, as a general rule, have the same sense of morality as they did in back in Tudor England. I could be wrong of course, it’s just a personal view.

Of course the punishment for these people is the fact that they are basically stuck with being them, they are prisoners inside their own heads. A neighbour of mine happens to be much disliked, to put it mildly, hated I think would be a better way to describe it. Anyway one day I casually said to my mother, “Mother I do not hate this man, in fact I feel sorry for him.” “Why my dear son?”, she said, well not exactly those words, anyway I said that I do not hate him because imagine the misery of simply being him, being consumed by all things material and staying up all night inspecting his deeds to make sure any surrounding properties were not in breach of any covenants etc. That and the unimaginable misery of being in close proximity to his pig-ugly wife, no no, being that man would be an absolute nightmare. Anyway hate requires too much energy, then again so does feeling sorry for him, hmmm a dichotomy. 

Anyway, back to the above mentioned women, now you could argue that hanging either of these women would be no great loss to society, and I would almost be inclined to agree, but what does it say about a society that chooses to punish someone, albeit of limited intelligence, to the extent that society has the God given right to take a life? I would say, it hardens society by making life itself appear almost worthless. To the pro-death lobby I would say because you are essentially asking someone else to kill/murder on your behalf, where is the morality or even justice in that? Why should you expect someone else to shoulder the burden? It’s also a submission to fear, a fear that believes crime would rocket if the death penalty were not in place. Some would argue that a life spent in prison is actually a worse punishment than death and would therefore act as a bigger deterrent.

Whenever I see a documentary on the American prison system and in particular death row, black men seem to make up the vast majority of in-mates. Some of them have done terrible things no doubt, but that surely does not justify treating them in this way. Given the recent election victory of Barack Obama, I was wondering, given his “civil rights” background, if he is going to abolish the death penalty? If Obama intends or is persuaded to leave the system alone then I think that tells you everything you need to know about the direction in which he intends to steer the American people. So, in my humble opinion, never mind Guantanamo, the death penalty is the most urgent civil rights issue he faces on his own doorstep, in his own country.

Notwithstanding, I have read that Obama is in fact pro death penalty, but only if it’s the “right guy”. FUCK ME! There I was under the impression I was right of Genghis Kahn and all the time I was left of Obama. There’s nowt as queer as folk! On a serious note, he is making the wild and dangerous assumption that a judicial system has the capacity or capability of being perfect and is therefore unable to arrive at an incorrect decision. This smacks of legal arrogance in the extreme, especially in light of the fact that every other western democracy deals with crime without the death penalty. 

I think you have to put yourself in the position of being the one person, the “one in a million”, who has been wrongly accused, even their own families don’t believe them, and then imagine that long walk to the death chamber. No matter how you look at it, it is nothing more than a system of revenge. If you look at it from a religious stand-point then where are you, exactly? Only God can give life and only God can take life away. If you believe that in your heart, then how could you possibly be pro death penalty? Does this not put Obama’s legal and religious credentials in question? Perhaps he’ll change his mind. Now that would be “change” many Americans, and I suspect those on death row, could live with, whatever they’ve done.Will he act?

We have but two Hopes, No Hope and Bob Hope

Higgs Boson

Copyright: Higgs Boson 2008

Unceremoniously dumped by an English harridan (I’m being kind), completely and utterly broken/depressed/down-trodden, and that’s just her, imagine how I felt, I decided to throw caution to the wind and mingle with some ‘local’ musicians. I ended up playing with a couple of guys who I actually respected; including the late Fred Davis (guitarist). He had a fantastic finger-picking style and was a formidable pedal steel player. Anyway, to cut a long story, at the behest of another local muso I took a very nice/beautiful girl out for a day in my car, thinking that this would alleviate some of the pain. Of course it didn’t, we broke down (the car that is), but to the rescue came help in the form of Mervyn Beaver (artist) who I’d never met but nevertheless he very kindly offered to take us back to his place and feed us. I have to say that for this to happen in England these days is highly unusual. Usually, if you break down, it’s fuck-off and die!

Anyway, Mervyn being an artist instantly recognised that I was different in some way and could somehow sense that I was a musician, so we had certain things in common as twer. Problems, problems and more fucking problems, of course we were unable to fix my car and as I had a piano gig that evening Mervyn offered to sell me a cheap car, which got us home safely and me onto the gig, much to my surprise.

After this we kept in touch and I went down to Cornwall to see him and his family again, we became good friends. He eventually introduced me to a number of Cornish musicians amongst which was John Fry aka Chuck Scirocco. I ended up playing quite a lot with John in his studio mainly; this inevitably led to a number of other encounters. Through John I did some session work for Sentinel Records where Gareth Young worked as a sound engineer.

Anyroadup, one day John phones me and said that he’s heard of a possible piano/keyboard gig in Denmark would I be interested? Does a bear shit in the woods? I thought, of course, what’s the deal? Apparently I had to go and see someone called Damian Rodd who was at that time working as a drummer in a cabaret band. The arrangements were made and I went to meet him at some god-awful holiday camp where he was playing. Anyway there were clearly some very good musicians playing in this cabaret band and although they were playing what I would describe as complete crap (theme to the A-Team etc..) I could tell that Rodd was different, yes he was going through the motions but occasionally there would be a flash of brilliance, a touch of the Vinnies about him, if you know what I mean. So, we met, and we arranged a rehearsal.

However, unbeknown to me John had completely exaggerated my abilities by telling them I played like Chic Corea!!!You have to imagine that being said in a slight Cornish accent. How should I say, one’s credibility took a sudden nosedive.

Despite this, they all seemed reasonably impressed with my abilities when said rehearsal took place and we agreed to start rehearsals in preparation for this Danish 5 star hotel gig. I say gig, the contract was for one month, six nights a week, five hours per night.

I immediately liked the other guys; to me they seemed a very happy bunch despite living in what you could only describe as errr not exactly salubrious conditions lets put it that way. In fact they were living in caravans on the holiday camp site where they were playing and our rehearsals were confined to these caravans, to start with at any rate. They kept referring to one another as ‘Ted’ I thought this was some strange Cornish custom but it was simply there way of not having to bother remembering each others names. You have to say it in a certain way as well, with your tongue curled upwards. This gives you the local buffoon edge, so to speak. So, I became Ted for the duration.

The preparations for this gig for me was a welcome diversion from dwelling on the misery of a relationship break-up, however in the event no matter how far you run, no matter how busy you make yourself the pain barrier has to be negotiated, otherwise you’re in denial, that’s bad!

So, the final rehearsal took place and I ventured back to my hovel in my little Fiat 128. I say hovel, with the pant and sock fairy disappearance I don’t mind admitting the place was starting to look a bit sad not to mention untidy. Anyway I forgot to say, I crashed the car on the way back, disaster already. I had to have some major repair work (chassis welding) done if my little Fiat was to make it all the way to Copenhagen. Yes, we were driving all the way, never mind Top Gear; this was an excursion that would make Jeremy Clarkson proud.

Watch this space for Part Two…

Higgs Boson

Copyright: Higgs Boson 2009

Chapter One

Do you remember Amway? Of course you do, virtually everyone I know has had some kind of brush with it. What was interesting about it, apart from the fact that it had me frothing with excitement over an effing bar of soap, was that a certain life-long atheist friend of mine became involved with it. It seemed the more he immersed himself into this murky world of soft-soap products the more his mental equilibrium became critically affected. I suppose it could’ve been worse, Britway, imagine that, there wouldn’t even be a product to sell, you’d just get a large bill for fuck-all basically, this phenomenon is known in the UK as a Council Tax bill. The thing is with Amway though in the end it wasn’t so much about the products themselves as about selling the idea of Amway; that is selling tapes and books on the various methods required to dupe people into signing up. At that point it became a sort of religion for some people, much like this Alpha course business. I got invited to one of those too, pffffffff. I find it hard to believe that anyone could be so desperate that they seek the answers to life and the universe from what is essentially a glorified vacuum cleaner salesman. If someone has faith brought about by a personal divine experience, fine, but don’t tell me any kind of faith or belief can come about by persuasion in this form…It’s a very slippery way of catching the vulnerable if you ask me.

I am reminded of when I spotted an advert in the local news rag, which was obviously a complete con that I fell for hook, line and sinker. The advert itself was for an auction and gave an example of the prices such as ‘camcorders for £5 and computers for £15 etc. Anyway I turned up at this alleged auction with a couple of friends, greeting us at the doorway were a couple of security guards. Anyway after a brief altercation with the said guards along the lines of ‘what the fucks this all about then’, we were all herded inside and the main doors were locked behind us. We then walked through another doorway and were confronted with, well a mountain of crap basically, old faulty electrical goods etc. Of course we were unaware of this at the time; anyway this gutter-snipe slurps onto this make-shift stage and begins the auction. He began by telling us that everything had to go, at no matter what price! Then there was some confusion when suddenly he jumped in the air and shouted “GIVE THAT WOMAN A CAMCORDER!!!!! this woman was obviously his mother but the excitement generated was unbelievable, especially when he said right who else want’s one?

Now I regard myself as reasonably street-wise but even I at one point had my hand in the air for no apparent reason. A friend said “what the ffff are you doing? I replied, I dunno!! I just want one!! Oh no, the Higg brain had been infected with consumerism…Thankfully sense prevailed and I came away from it financially unscathed. Unfortunately many who attended this auction did not fare so well and came away with not only some very useless and outdated stuff but severely pillaged wallets.

Then there’s Insurance, what was it? The Combined Insurance Company of America. I got roped/press-ganged into that too for a very short while. I’m going back quite a few years here. Advice; if you suspect hard times around the corner, ditch the woman, or man as the case maybe, immediately! Do not hesitate otherwise the consequences could well have an impact on your very existence, no no no, they WILL have an impact. I’m absolutely ashamed to admit this but I was more or less forced into signing up for this and I actually attended a two-week course in York on how to trick people into forking-out hard earned money for something they themselves will never actually benefit from. This is because the ‘Life Policy’ only shells-out when you die and just covers basic funeral expenses. Fuck me; it would’ve been easier to sell a skip full of heroin to the Arch Bishop of Canterbury. Needless to say I did not sell a single policy! Needless to say, I sound like Alan Partridge, actually there was talk of doing an Allied Dunbar but thank god I managed to escape!!

I’m wondering just how desperate people are going to get in order to sell stuff in what is a rapidly diminishing world market with inflationary living costs. Maybe there is a link between all these con-merchants and how the current music business is being run? You know, selling the idea of music, pay to play etc…It seems to me that there are quite a number of Internet companies and specialist music publications encouraging musicians to go it alone as an independent. It’s fast becoming a growth industry that, in my humble opinion, is completely embroiled in over-optimistic spin and could easily end up costing musicians much more than they bargained for…

As I said, a growth industry, if you sign up to garageband .com they are charging 200 dollars per track to be listed on live365.com. Apparently you get listed on a database that Live365 Dj’s have access to. There’s no actual guarantee you’ll ever get your stuff played, and if it does get played you will not receive any royalties because as far as I am aware they do not submit to the collection societies. Of course this in my view is a form of ‘pay to play’. More worryingly, it appears the Internet has spawned a number of companies that work on similar lines. It seems the industry is not exactly running out of ideas when it comes to scamming money out of musicians. I was told recently that various promoters are charging bands to sell tickets, this is pay to play…They should pay you!! And there are companies charging to enter a battle of the bands competitions…battle of the bands shows are scams to make scumbag promoters money. What do you win anyway? Take it from me, what ever it is, nobody gives a fuck…And we wonder why the music industry is so corrupt…maybe it’s the bands that let it happen……

A recent article in Sound On Sound (UK based pro muso mag for sad geeks like me who like to indulge in the monthly misery of reading about the latest gear they’ll probably never be able to afford) entitled ‘start your own record company’. Now being a very impatient sort of bloke with a very low boredom threshold I didn’t actually read the article from start to finish but from what I could gather the majority of it was about joining the royalty collection societies (PRS, MCPS, PPL etc..) which is fine but being a member of these societies does not in itself generate income. In respect of the PRS it relies on radio/tv play for royalties which are passed onto you as a writer and or publisher member. I am a member of the PRS and I have been fortunate with some radio play credits, but my god it’s not easy to get. Try getting radio play from any station in the UK that submits their playlists to the PRS. I would say almost impossible no matter how good you think your music is. The reason; the major publishers, they’ve got it sown up; it’s more or less a closed shop. What sickens me about it is that the BBC ( a publicly funded broadcaster) are subsidising these large private publishers/companies out of what is essentially public money, which the BBC are legally entitled to in that every household in the UK that has a television is legally bound to pay a licence fee to the BBC. This amounts to a whopping 3 billion a year in revenue for the BBC.

There can be no doubt that being a musician in the UK is a bit like being a leper at a health farm. Good musicians, through no fault of their own, unless you happen to be Sir Elton, by and large live outside society. If you’re a musician here in England there are only two things that command respect ‘sales’ and lineage. The most common question I’m asked when meeting people face-to-face is “how many CDs have you sold then”? The depressing reality is that the actual music is of little consequence; this is why I try and keep what I do under wraps, as it were, especially when enduring certain social gatherings, after which I usually end up saying “well, it was a pressure meeting you and I thoroughly endured it”.

It is absolutely true that the vast majority of people here in Britain know the price of everything and the value of fuck-all. Tell them you’ve sold a million albums and you can actually see the attitude change before your very eyes. Tell them you’ve not sold that many but you managed to get some decent reviews, and take it from me you’d be better off telling them that your best mate is Gary Glitter and your dad was Fred West.

The problem is- as soon as you utter the very word ‘musician’ it unfortunately conjures up negative imagery; lazy drunken drug-taking sexual deviancy and general loutish behaviour. What’s wrong with that? On top of this there are many people who simply do not understand the value of what you do as a musician, especially if it doesn’t earn buckets of cash….I sometimes think that most women think that men are born with a fucking hammer in their hands, playing the piano….that’s not a job! ..I suppose this works the other way doesn’t it, you know, most men think that women are born with a dish cloth in their hands, it is of course equally absurd.

Then there are gigs. Ah well, I’ve done my share, for most it’s a means to an end. Most musicians are not playing what they actually want in public. To me playing stuff you don’t particularly like to people you can’t stand is to be in the 7^th circle of hell which is why I rarely play in public nowadays…Is it a good way to promote yourself? Errrr, no, not really. I’ve known musicians spend their entire lives gigging and still no-ones heard of them. Recently I had a slight exchange with one of the guys that run Nimbit (download service) he was bemoaning the fact that he never gets well paid for a gig. I simply replied “what the fuck are you talking about; it’s only the likes of Sting that gets well paid for a gig”. Unless it’s a packed football stadium being televised, forget it. Playing to small audiences is absolutely fine but don’t ever think its worthwhile promotion in the great scheme of things, especially if you are trying to generate enough interest to justify the expense of recording of an album – then there’s band politics, pffffffffff.. It’s all very fine when musicians get on with each other but when musos fall out, look out!. I’ve been on stage when the guitarist and bass player have actually had a fight on stage; this was far more entertaining than the music I might add and then there was the time when the drummer actually defecated in the bass player’s shoes when they had some minor disagreement. Laugh? I nearly sh**…You must be wondering what sort of bands I’ve played in……don’t ask!

A friend of mine is a full-blown concert pianist. Despite having studied under anybody who’s anybody unfortunately he’s never really achieved what he intended or deserved for that matter, which is a terrible shame but it has to be said the classical world is every bit as competitive if not more so than any form of contemporary music. Anyway nowadays he lives as a virtual recluse, I went to see him the other day to admire his new acquisition, a brand new Steinway. My immediate reaction was utterly shameful because instead of admiring the sheer beauty of this instrument I blurted – blimey album sales aren’t too shabby then? Anyway thankfully this indiscretion was immediately forgiven and I got down to discussing music, life and the universe as I invariably do. He does have a couple of albums out incidentally but they’re not doing all that well from what I could gather. Anyway, it turns out that the Steinway was not the result of any musical success; he was able to buy it because he inherited some land and sold it for building. This is interesting because in our local music shop, quite a big one as it happens, you never find any actual musicians in there, it’s full of estate agents, solicitors and the like buying gear for their talentless off-spring. Very few musicians I know of could actually afford to go in there, let alone buy anything. Anyway I suppose there’s not really much point in installing sophisticated electrical equipment in a hovel…

My trouble is that I’m not a businessman, I’m no marketing expert, I’m not a record promoter, I’m not an audio engineer or producer, although I do claim to know what good production is. And, I’m not a music manager and I’m certainly no lawyer, although I did take on a case (civil action) as a ‘litigant in person’, against one of the largest law firms in the country. This was the third most stupid thing I have ever done which might be the subject of a future chapter and will probably have you all pissing yourselves with laughter when I tell you about my confrontation with a judge and two barristers.

I’m more or less convinced that with the exception of the judge real success in the music business depends upon the involvement of at least some of these aforementioned entities, you will only get so far without them. Of course there’s always the odd exception but as a general rule of thumb, I believe it is a truism.

The music business is one of the largest businesses in the world and if you exclude the people that work in that industry by going it alone as an independent you are going to feel the squeeze at some point, that’s why it’s a closed-shop. If you become popular as an independent the doors start opening a tad, but at what point that happens is anyone’s guess. When it starts affecting their trade perhaps? If this happens then you could be heading for more problems than you bargained for. I’ve heard of a number of cases where bands have been signed, paid off (advance) and their projects immediately shelved, and there’s nothing they could do about it. Why, I don’t know, I suspect it has something to do with whose toes you’re treading on higher up the food-chain. In other words you could be being signed purely to protect their other interests? This of course only happens at the very commercial end of the market which, it has to be said is completely flooded with product.

I remember when I started out; having been a victim of an independent record company that went out of business and took all the multi-track tapes with them, I decided to go my own way. Sod it! I thought, if they could do it, which they self evidently couldn’t, I could! Labouring under a massive miscomprehension and a ridiculous sense of optimism I ventured into hitherto unknown territories. I decided to raise some money, pull in every favour know to mankind. Oh and write some new material, find the best musicians I could, that would work for peanuts and or just their expenses. I was determined to control my destiny and not be at the mercy of bureaucratic incompetence.

Following the nightmare of trying to keep the recording costs within my budget I somehow ended up with a finished master, god knows how? The stress was so great that at one point I went home, decided to go for a walk and got half way down the road before I realised I had a loaf of bread under one arm! It got to a point where my parents very nearly ended up having to bail me out financially, how embarrassing is that! So what you’re listening to is essentially my inheritance. As I said, I laugh in the face of profit. On top of this though most of my friends thought I was absolutely stark raving mad calling myself Higgs Boson…… Oh how they laughed! – What’s wrong with being a Cornish pirate anyway?

Anyway after this I had a couple of well connected friends who I thought could advise me on marketing etc. One of them just happened to play golf with the head of EMI (Europe) apparently he told him that he had this mate who is releasing his own album and does he have any advice? He replied ‘that’s fine but what he’ll find is that there aren’t enough hours in the day’. How bloody true that was, and still is! You see what many independent musicians fail to realise is the shear amount of work required not to mention the know-how, and it’s the know-how that’s important! That and a shit load of cash.

You see as part of this advice I was given a copy of a marketing and costing schedule for the band Blur; album: Parklife. This made very interesting reading, apart from an admission to the illegal practice of fly-posting, EMI spent 100k just on the initial launch party. Now on the face of it this would seem like wild extravagance, but is it? Put all the top music journalists in one shed, ply them with drink and goodie-bags, what have you got the following morning….great reviews – sales skyrocket, well that’s the theory. This of course is nothing new but to think you can get anywhere near the same results by just hanging an album out on the net as an independent is completely absurd!

I’ve had people on here saying I’m talking crap because their daughter or whatever is an independent musician and they are really successful. Yeah, whatever…Well, many people claim to be successful but success is relative is it not. My brother for instance lives in a hedge, but he’s happy, so ‘he’s a roaring success story. Not so much being in the gutter and looking at stars as being in the sewer and dreaming of the gutter!

What I have come to realise is that when other people’s livelihoods depend on your music you stand a much greater chance of success. That’s not to say there’s not a balancing act to play here because it is possible to get tied up with a small independent label and for your career to go absolutely nowhere, because they don’t have the financial clout to get your music the publicity it may or may not deserve as the case may be. And of course they control your destiny because they have you under contract! The EMI schedule also made me realise that I am standing at the bottom of a very steep curve! Especially when I talked to the head buyer of a national shop chain who simply said unless you have a substantial ad campaign (100k plus) he could not even contemplate stocking my album. This didn’t really come as a bomb-shell but it was very disappointing. In conclusion; without mainstream distribution you have very little!

All I’m saying is that when people like Joni Mitchell retire because they can’t stand what the music industry has become its time to wake up and smell the coffee, which is somewhat ironic given that her latest release is being promoted by Starbucks. According to Joni they have great distribution. How the fuck did a coffee retailer get great distribution? It’s a funny old world!

Let me just say here that if you intend venturing into a music career unless either you or your parents are a multi millionaires just forget it. The point is that extremely wealthy people can afford to fail time and time again before something takes hold. Look at Simon Cowbell, even this man went into bankruptcy back in 89 and was forced to move back with his parents, who, well his father was at the very top of EMI…say no more… I can only comfort myself with the thought that wealth at some point becomes a source of deprivation, unless of course I become rich and then it’s all perfectly acceptable. lol

I have previously said that many of the problems in the music industry are down to all these rappers and hip-hoppers etc. I don’t know so much? Maybe the problems are more closely related to all these old bands re-releasing old stuff time and time again, flooding the market and soaking-up all the cash. As you know many of these old bands are fabulously wealthy and as a consequence have enormous advertising and tour budgets. Independent acts have no way of competing against the shear monetary power of these old bands. They also control significant sections of the media. You can barely pick up a life-style magazine without a double page editorial of some octogenarian duffer aimlessly meandering around his multi-winged mansion wondering where in the hell he is. This festive season the shops are literally flooded with the Rolling Stones, Led Zep, Floyd etc. you name it they got it out there for sale….Don’t get me wrong, I have absolutely nothing against them releasing new stuff, although I can’t quite believe any of them still have the energy. Are they still on drugs? Probably; beta-blockers, Movicol and warfarin, to name but a few? It won’t be long before these festivals they play at will have to install easy access ramps and a team of surgeons on stand-by in case one of them needs a triple bypass. When are they going to retire?

So then, what next for the Higg and this so-called life in music? Well – I’ve said this before and I think it’s worth repeating. When you attempt to climb Everest in a pair of flip-flops at some point your feet will drop off and you end up dying alone, in agony! – blimey I’ve cum all over Eric Cantona….

Actually my next project will be a cheap to record solo piano effort with maybe some mild synth-like embellishments. Basically, these are pieces I’ve written over the years, some new some old. Don’t be fooled by the recording costs though, to make a solo piano album interesting is a bit of a personal Everest for me. I intend to release it on vinyl only and to buy it you will have to write to me in person and explain why you would like a copy. You will of course have to include a full CV with your application. You may be lucky and be granted an interview whereby you will be given the opportunity to expand your ideas and demonstrate your worthiness and ability to understand what it is you are listening to…This of course fly’s in the face of popular business sense but the thing is, I have followed expert advice and I’m still absolutely fucking nowhere so I think I’ll turn the whole thing on it’s head, see how far I get? Probably nowhere…….

What!

Contradictory.

Me?

NEVER….

Your eternal friend in oblivion…..

Higgs