Higgs Boson Blog » Uncategorized

Local Council Tax Rip-Off and the Clegg Cameron Coalition Government.

higgsboson — Mon, 10 Jan 2011 14:07:30 +0000

A personal message to the Clegg and Cameron Coalition Government.

The biggest rip-off in Britain today is *Council Tax*. I pay £200 per month for nothing basically, save for a weekly bin collection, that’s it!!

Why is this so expensive, I’ll tell you – it’s to pay the salaries of people, who we could ALL live quite happily and comfortably without?

Never-mind Bankers – here’s a list of grossly overpaid spongers on the Devon public gravy-train:

P Norrey Chief Executive £154,530 £157,477
Deputy Chief Executive and Executive Director of Environment, Economy and Culture £141,780 £141,046
A Whiteley Director of Children and Young People’s Services £130,921 £129,700
D Johnstone Director of Adult and Community Services £127,338 £129,700

J Mills Director of Finance, IT and Trading £126,598 £129,700

H Barnes Director of Personnel and Performance £126,631 £129,700
R Gash County Solicitor £126,601 £129,700
D Magill Deputy Director, Children and Young People’s Services £110,721
Coroner £105,000
Head of Finance Services – £115,000 Remuneration band of £110,000-£120,000 Director of Learning and Services – £105,000 #VALUE! Remuneration band of £100,000-£110,000

HOW IN THE NAME OF CHRIST ALMIGHTY CAN ANY OF THESE PEOPLE BE WORTH THIS KIND OF MONEY???????

Your ever affectionate servant without hope….Higgs Boson

Walter Mitty Land

higgsboson — Sun, 21 Mar 2010 16:09:45 +0000

Welcome to Walter Mitty Land!

Given the circumstances, a much more suitable name for our beloved land, me thinks. Here in the UK you will find people with their head stuck so far up their own arses their colons are doing all the thinking. Honestly, there are so many ludicrously expensive shit ideas floating around, usually propagated by some stupid government stink-tank, half the time I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. Paradoxically, in my case, complaining about these things and more importantly expecting anything positive to happen as a result is utterly pointless. It’s like pissing in a tornado because the lunatics are totally in charge of the asylum.

Here’s an example of the average UK subject.

http://www.rickywolking.com/news/uploads/HEAD-UP-YER-ASS.jpg" align=”center” >

They called it, and still do, a ‘Bank Bailout’. This drives me fucking insane. It was nothing of the sort. What it was, was the biggest transfer of wealth from the taxpayer to the rich in history. It was a depositors bail out, most of whom, thanks to New Labour, found themselves on the right side of the rich divide, which is wider now (gap between haves and have-nots) than it was when Charles Dickens wrote Oliver Twist. That my friends *is* the real legacy of New Labour (the British Government) and in particular Gordon no boom and bust Brown (Mr. Prudence?). Is he having a laugh, or what?

To compound this you have a country that is borrowing itself into oblivion in the unbelievable hope that all this extravagance will be paid for by future taxpayers. Yes, I say extravagance; here we have the Police driving around in virtual super cars (when they’re not flying around in Helicopters that is) in order to catch the odd speeding motorist. The list here is bloody endless, believe me, so I won’t go on, but I will give you an example of something that happened to me just the other day when I was out on my bike.

I stopped for lunch at a particularly grubby little café; actually they’d just renovated it, probably with borrowed money. Anyway, there I was innocently minding my own business when in walked a huge family. When I say huge, I mean these people were fucking big, they could hardly fit through the newly fitted double doors. I thought I’d better get my order in quick; this lot are going to start eating the fucking chairs in a minute. One of them had a bad leg, could hardly walk, probably fell over somewhere and caused an earthquake? Anyway, they finally managed to sit down. What did they order? Well, ‘Cheesy Chips’ sounds fucking disgusting to me, but yes, coronary inducing hollow tubes of fat covered with cheese. I thought, well fuck me, if ever there was a country that deserved to get fat and die of a fucking heart attack, this was it, and when they mentioned ‘sausages’ I half expected a whole roasted pig to appear.

All they seemed to talk about was what they did at the doctors. Presumably, all of them had considerable medical issues, no doubt mainly caused by their diet. This is just one family; imagine the cost to the taxpayer every time one of these fekers goes to the doctor with a gammy leg and worse. How can this country afford it? Of course the fact is, errrm, it can’t afford it, because the UK is bankrupt. People talk of the inadequacies of the NHS and shortages in the armed forces etc. Why the fuck is anyone surprised about that? Because we can’t afford a National Health Service or any armed forces to start with.

The Institute for Fiscal Studies is recommending a 14% cut in every government dept. I think the truth of the matter is that it should be nearer 50%. With a General Election looming are there any politicians brave enough to highlight this?

No, of course there aren’t.

In an attempt to lighten your day, here’s an example of my dodgy piano playing…

Higgs Boson

Climate Change & Global Warming (part two)

admin — Sat, 05 Dec 2009 17:25:03 +0000

low and behold as soon as I publish part one of my blog on global warming BBC Radio4 attempt a discussion with an actual sceptic about how British scientists at the University of East Anglia are manipulating the data to make their science support their global warming theories. Apparently the alleged stolen emails from the Universities Climate Research Unit reveal that figures on global warming were actually changed to exacerbate the threat. The UN’s Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change has told the BBC it is taking the matter very seriously and will investigate the emails. Take it from me, this will be yet another white-wash. According to the BBC, Saudi Arabia has said that the emails will have a "huge impact" on the talks and that countries will now be unwilling to cut emissions. Philip Stott, emeritus professor of Biogeography at the University of London, and environmentalist and writer Jonathon Porritt have discussed whether the row could have the potential to derail the Copenhagen climate talks.

According to Professor Stott scientists are apparently becoming very defensive about their positions especially when the science leads to a change in government policy and the inevitable spending of huge sums of public money. There has been the creation of other scientists outside the climate science fraternity with other ideas and theories which contribute to climate change. These respected climate change scientists have become excluded voices. According to Professor Stott climate science is an inverted pyramid which rests on a remarkably small foundation and that climate science relies on just a few people, perhaps just 30/40 scientists/researchers. If any of the science is proven to be questionable then the whole of that pyramid in effect, collapses.

Jonathon Porritt had to admit that the integrity of the science had been severely damaged but then accused Stott of slightly over egging the case about the inverted pyramid metaphor because the research is based on thousands of pieces of evidence that is happening in the climate now i.e visible evidence like polar ice-caps melting and so on. Professor Stott’s riposte was that simply seeing things happen does not necessarily give us an idea of cause. In other words you are going to have climate change no matter what happens. Professor Stott went on to explain that temperature and Co2 are driven by the hydrological cycle – water vapour – so to suggest that melting polar ice-caps is caused by rising co2 levels is in fact a false correlation.

Professor Stott reckoned that the really crucial aspect about the leaked emails is the political impact more than the science because prior to the Copenhagen summit there was a private meeting between China, India, Brazil and South Africa setting a unique agenda that not all politicians have grasped. These countries have apparently agreed to walk out of the talks if they don’t get what they want. Jonathon Porritt had to agree that the impact was profound and that there are lots of countries who will take a stand based on their national interests and that they don’t want deep cuts or to find a different way in order to live in a low-carbon world.

Finally, professor Stott said that there is undoubtedly an element of human influence on climate change and that in so complex a system managing one factor at the margins will not produce a predictable outcome. Because of this the whole agenda should change to how do we adapt to change – hot – cold – wet – dry. Putting a vast amount of resources in trying to produce a given result is the inherent danger we face because the politicians do not really grasp the complexities of climate science.

To a simpleton like me what Stott is saying here seems to be perfectly reasonable given that scientists now accept that the earths temperature has not increased in the last ten years. Scientists appear to be basing their global warming theories on the assumption that the earth’s temperature has gradually risen over the last 100 years by 0.75% degrees centigrade and claim that the burning of fossil fuels and deforestation is largely to blame. Scientists can’t even agree on what was the hottest year in the last 100 years, some say 1998 and others 1934. Anyway, if you consider how people lived during the first part of the 20th century i.e most houses across Europe were heated with open coal fires etc. this is obviously no longer the case. With this in mind, if it is being claimed that the 0.75% is the human contribution it would be interesting to find out whether or not the devastating effects of say two World Wars, Vietnam and Chernobyl, are being factored into this 0.75% increase in temperature, in other words what percentage of that 0.75% is directly attributable to said factors? If it is, then what about natural phenomenon like volcanic activity and Sun spots?

The real answer is that they simply don’t know. Humans clearly contribute to green house gas emissions but are not the sole cause of climate change, which is inferred in the way in which the case is being presented by the politicians and some journalists. That said, I do believe that even if it were proven beyond doubt that humans could overt disaster by decreasing green house gas emissions and counteract gas emissions caused by natural events it is still worth cleaning up our act. What I disagree with is the way all the so-called experts are recommending we achieve this, because the answer is bleeding obvious. Have less children, stop deforestation. That’s it folks..no need for wind farms, solar panels, electric cars and everything else that’s going to be rammed down our throats over the coming years. The thing that most concerns me is that in the face of conflicting evidence the politicians only concern themselves with how they are going to be able to persuade the public to embrace a low carbon economy, whether we actually need it or not.

Higgs Boson

Copyright Higgs Boson 2009

The Gig (part three)

admin — Sat, 05 Dec 2009 15:15:00 +0000

The Gig

Part three

As I was saying Super-Ted despite appearances was actually a formidable guitarist, his style of playing could stretch from George Benson to Steve Vai if the need arose. So when Depeche Mode and in particular that floppy haired parrot faced wazock one starts barracking we played our party-piece which was at that point Killer Joe. This to be honest was a bit of a pointless exercise because it went completely over their heads, however we invited them to step up and show us how it’s done. I think they actually ran away. They had the last laugh though, I mean being that their stage performances consisted of merely walking on stage and pressing a few buttons and walking off stage whilst earning enough money to not only occupy the bridle suit in the hotel, but to get the Full Monty treatment from the girls at the bar…gits!

Anyway after a few days when the dust settles the practicalities of life start to hit home, even in a five star hotel. The Teds were becoming increasingly concerned about the van. Apparently, an assortment of Danish mechanics had inspected the van and was unable to find the problem. Of course the Teds were blissfully unaware that they had put the wrong fuel in. This was to be the start of a series of biblical financial disasters for the Teds…Eventually they discovered what the problem was but the van alone ended up costing them two weeks wages for one Ted.

In an attempt to drown their sorrows, on our night off, the Teds decide to hit the town. I stayed at home to wallow in misery, well not just that, I was the only Ted burdened with financial obligations in that I had a mortgage to pay on my house in Devon…Anyway, I spent most of the evening in my room pacing up and down, I was actually looking forward to their return, I knew something would happen that would cause me to cheer up a bit so I went down to the reception area to wait for them. On the way down I shared a lift with Sinead O’Connor, I thought shall I say something, what should I say that she would remember? The only thing I could think of was; my God you’re small! Which ironically is what they’ll probably say when I’m discovered. In the event I said nothing, pathetic.

Anyway, eventually some glum faces appeared at the doors, it was the Teds. I said "what’s up" they could hardly bring themselves to speak, but eventually the truth came out. Apparently they were having a top time in this supposed English restaurant and were making merry with a rather nice bottle of red (Baron Von Rothschild) as it happens. On devouring said bottle of red, Super-Ted calls the waiter and casually orders another to be sent to the table immediately, with all speed!!! The waiter approached with raised eyebrows and a look of surprise/consternation as it were, he announced to a hushed crowd of pissed Teds that there was only one bottle in the entire establishment and the one they had consumed, was it. Super-Ted gazes down at the menu, stares at it for several minutes in disbelief when he has to break the terrible news. What they thought was 200 Krona was in fact 2000 Krona.. I must admit on hearing this tale of woe I very nearly soiled my pants, I can’t ever remember laughing so much…. They were very upset though, but my problem was the more I thought about it the funnier it got. Super-Ted became Baron Von Super-Ted (BVST ) and so on, almost infinitesimal amounts of fun could be had at their expense hahahahaaa. To be fair the trouble is when you venture out into foreign parts it’s easy to get confused about currency. I mean does 10 Krona buy a bag of chips or a car? Unfortunately, in the case of the Teds it was just one sip of wine to which one tearful Ted remarked "if we’d known it was that expensive we would have enjoyed it more"…I don’t think so Ted..

It came to pass that the Teds became virtual vagrants in a five star hotel. They were drinking themselves to death (costing yet more money) in order to forget their problems, which was money! One Ted devoured the entire mini-bar in his room forgetting that this was THE most expensive way of amusing yourself, especially in this particular hotel. Such was the level of poverty, one evening Super-Ted casually announced that not only did he not wear any underpants but he was wearing the same pair of trousers he had on back in Cornwall. Can you imagine? Not even in my wildest imagination could I imagine what lurked in the Baron’s nether-regions, and he was the one with the girl friend!! Can you imagine? No….don’t go there!

Moving on, one of the Teds decided to invite a mate over from England to stay and enjoy a binge weekend at the Teds expense! This was yet another stupid idea that was bound to end in tears. After we played our set on the Friday evening Ted and his mancunian ‘mad for it’ mate went night-clubbing in down-town Copers. In the morning I awoke to banging on the door, I opened the door and standing there was a Ted flanked by two police officers. Ted had been arrested and was asking me to bail him out to the tune of 2000 Krona. He had to ask me, I was the only one with any money. I had no choice. I of course inquired as to the reason for his arrest and apparently they emerged from a well-known club in the early hours and decided to go shopping (with no money). Ted in his infinite wisdom, having allegedly previously succeeded in steeling a pair of leather gloves, in what I can only presume to be a state of drunken desperation decided to try and steel another pair, but this time they were tagged and he was duly arrested outside the shop. Needles to say I owned his jailbird ass after this. Not a happy position. It is however with considerable regret that I cannot take the moral high-ground here because on leaving the hotel I stole one of the hotels piano stools because someone said Paul McCartney had sat on it and that it would bring me luck, did it? Did it f***. I think I got away with it?..…I still have it….

I remember towards the end of our stay in Denmark on another ‘night off’ we were all invited to dinner by what appeared to be a very respectable Danish lady. When we arrived at this woman’s house we were greeted by an assortment of friends and family, at least that’s who we thought they were…The evening seemed to go quite well, that was until one of the guests started removing items of clothing – Super-Teds reaction was quite dramatic, the abject fear that he would somehow be forced to reveal what lurked beneath the Super-Ted trousers, the unwashed Cornish Super-Nudger would have to make an unscheduled appearance. It seems we had unwittingly happened upon a group of ‘swingers’. Of course jailbird Ted was in his element, he invites himself to this womans bedroom, strips off and just lay there with an expectant look on his face. At this point, I must admit even I was becoming nervous and decided to pitch-in with Super-Ted and Girl-Ted and scarper (embark upon an extrusion) as they say..

After all this I must admit the thought of the trip home was starting to look a bit bleak what with all the financial losses being ratcheted-up and the Teds lurching from one disaster to another. For my part it was with a sense of considerable foreboding that I would have to go along with the next Ted adventure. The problem was that our agent was seriously ill and was therefore unable to help us get any more gigs in Denmark, so we were facing having to go back to England. Super-Ted, who was the band spokesman in this regard, simply because he was the one who originally organised the hotel gig through this agent, was frantically phoning around trying to get gigs anywhere he could. Unfortunately, there was a recession on and money was tight all round.

Eventually, Super-Teds plan was for us all to travel down to Spain and live as wild woodland creatures sleeping out in the open-air on lashed together lengths of 4×2 fixed to the back of his van. I’m not making this up, that was his plan! We’d gone from luxury to vagrancy in just five weeks. The Higg does not do sleeping rough; needles to say we went back to England, the journey back home actually went without a hitch, but we made it….

Can you imagine?

I hope you enjoyed the Gig

Higgs Boson

PS. If there are any film makers out there who want to turn this story into a film and require a script – I’m your man….

Copyright: Higgs Boson 2007

The Gig (part two)

admin — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 08:21:57 +0000

The Gig (part two)
Current mood: adventurous
Category: Life

The Gig

Part two

I am reliably informed that the car was in fact a Fiat Strada. Where was I? Oh yes, the trip. The one thing I hate about travelling is having to organise things, and if during the course of ‘organising things’ form filling is required I more or less develop a form of dementia and for added spice a healthy dollop of Tourettes. Apparently I have an extremely low tolerance for stupid questions, doesn’t everyone?

Anyway, they, the Teds, started out from Cornwall and made there way up to North Devon where I lived, and still live. They stayed the night and we set off in the morning in two vehicles; mine, the Strada (one Ted travelled with me) the other Teds were in the obligatory white transit van with all the gear.

We stopped about halfway for a bite to eat and really it wasn’t until this point that I actually started to feel part of something, yes we were all quite excited about our little adventure but the truth was that I hadn’t actually been part of a collective or in a proper band for quite a while, just solo piano, so I’d lost that sense of camaraderie as it were.

When we got to the port we didn’t realise we had to fill in Carnet forms – Carnet forms!! What the f****** hell is that? Blood started to drain from the Higg head, oh NOoooo! Thank f*** the others weren’t afflicted with my belligerence towards authourity; otherwise we would’ve all been locked up before we’d even boarded the ferry. The ferry journey went without incident as it happens or at least as far as I can remember although when we arrived in Holland there was some confusion about which way to go, left or right, I plumbed for left. Anyroad, we were off..

We inevitably had to stop in Holland for petrol (gas) which meant the four Teds (and one girl Ted) wasted considerable time perusing some jaw-dropping porn movies, in a petrol station!! Whatever next? Well, we eventually hit the road and it wasn’t long before yes, we were lost. We took a detour off the main Autobahn and ended up in place called Titsenbum or at least that’s what I thought it said, I couldn’t believe it; I must have been hallucinating, owing to some unfortunate overindulgence in that garage…….thinking about sex things can take on a strange dimension, and imagine the danger involved when driving whilst under the influence of tits and arse – more lethal than drugs, actually I think the town was called Tissenbeum….it made no difference. We had lunch there and hit the road again.

Then, to compound the misery of sexual abstinence, for three of us boy Teds at any rate. I should explain the slightly portly Ted who eventually became known as Super-Ted was having a relationship with the girl Ted, so this meant three of us were fast becoming a very sad bunch indeed. As I was saying, to compound the misery we got lost again only this time we were guided by an amazing looking German girl who, when we stopped to ask for directions, casually stuck her head in my window, without a by or leave….we were completely transfixed by the sheer beauty of this girl, so any directions were completely lost, literally in one ear and out the other…the remainder of the trip through northern Germany was in almost total silence. It was tits all the way I’m afraid, well, at least it took my mind off the discomfort. What was becoming painfully clear was that Copenhagen was a lot further than it looked on the map. It’s all very fine for Clarkson in a Mercedes McLaren, you try it in a Fiat Strada, which by comparison is only one evolutionary step from a hoop and stick. I say silence; I did break off to remark on how this place Ausfahrt seemed to be very popular? Hamburg yes heard of that place, Berlin, yes that too, Ausfahrt? Never heard of it…turns out it was German for ‘drive out’. What a twat!

So there were two Teds travelling at warp speed (that’s 70mph) in a smoke filled Fiat Strada shouting Ausfahrt!!!!!There it is again…how big is that fucking place!!!

We eventually got to the ferry which in my memory is nothing more than a miserable cold blur that just had to be endured until we hit Denmark. Closing in on Copenhagen Super-Ted decided to stop for petrol, failed to understand or mistook petrol for diesel and filled up with the wrong fuel, how they got to Copenhagen god only knows.

When we finally arrived we must have looked like nothing on earth…we were absolutely completely and utterly knackered and with the van spluttering and farting its way into the hotel car park the management must have thought – hang on, call the police, in Danish of course. Anyway, Super-Ted who by now resembled an alien life-form decided to announce our arrival to the main reception desk, we tried to stop him but it was too late. You have to imagine someone who looks completely shagged-out, a sweaty Neanderthal type who sounds exactly like the comedian Jethro, you had to be there. Weems the band! Where do we set the gear up Ted? This was to a bunch of Danish receptionists. We eventually managed to avoid arrest and convince them that we were actually the ‘band’. Anyhow, following some considerable confusion we were eventually led to our rooms where we literally crashed-out…..

I remember waking up in the room and just looking out of the window out across Copenhagen in a daze when suddenly I felt the overwhelming urge to phone the harridan, a momentary lapse of madness if there ever was one, from my five star hotel hovel. I suspect it was because when you find yourself in a strange place you just need to connect with something familiar, maybe?

After many hours the Teds awoke and we all drifted down to the bar where we were to play. Unbeknown to me, naive as I am, this bar was full of extremely high-class and therefore reassuringly expensive prostitutes. I thought my luck was in when one of them started to look me up and down. Thank god the barman took pity and told me what was going on and who they were, otherwise with me being hornier than a Viking hat shop, with what I had in mind, the bill would have been the size of Lebanon..

The following day we set the gear up and did a sound-check, played a bit and I have to say the management had a definite look of relief on their faces when they could hear that we could actually play. I wonder if people really understand or appreciate the sheer effort that goes in? I mean, if musicians charged their time out in the same way that solicitors do then the pay cheque for this gig would have set me up for life….Oh and we found out later in the day that the entire top floor of this hotel (Hotel Scandinavia) if you must know, was being hired by some African King, I’d never heard of, and what with these prostitutes who were able to charge astronomical sums for doing the unmentionable I started to feel a tad worthless, given that I was actually broke at the time, it’s another world!

Anyway, we spent a day or so aimlessly wandering around, went into down-town Copenhagen for a root-around the sex shops, obviously, and then made our way back to the hotel to prepare for the evenings performance..- To my horror, we didn’t really have an audience as such; we were playing to ourselves most of the time, except for the weekends when hoards of marauding Swedes came over to party. Actually this arrangement wasn’t too bad because we realised we could, during the down-time, play more or less what we liked…anyway one weekday evening who should walk in but the band Depeche Mode *feckers* who attempted to take the piss, ha-ha-ha, bad idea…Super-Ted had a plan….

Don’t miss part 3 where the drummer gets arrested and I meet Sinead O’Connor..

Higgs

Copyright: Higgs Boson 2007

Guitarist Wanted!

admin — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 17:13:50 +0000

Hello Guitarists of the World,

Unfortunately due to illness my usual guitarist is unable continue, so I am looking for a guitarist who, to put it plainly – can cut it!

I have uploaded a few ‘demo’ tracks from a project I am currently working on. It’s up on MySpace.

Just to be clear, I am not looking for someone who can play blisteringly fast solos over these tracks. I am looking for subtlety, a guitarist who can bring the music alive but not wander too far from the original idea/concept. I think you know what I mean?

Anyway, if you are interested in being part of my next project, download the tracks and see what you think. Contact me by all means here on Myspace if you wish to discuss anything. If you like, simply record something over the tracks and let me here it…

Just to reiterate; these tracks are very much works-in-progress, at this point they are all me, warts n’ all! so bear this in mind, when it goes to a proper studio things tend to change, a lot! but you know this….

The best to you all…………….Higgs

It’s official – Britain is F A T!

admin — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 20:58:01 +0000

It’s official – Britain is F A T!

I can’t quite believe it; the media are now talking about this as if it were ‘breaking news’. Fat people in England? – No…

Apparently there’s been a "scientific breakthrough" in solving child obesity called ‘MEND’. I hope to god it’s an American breakthrough because I don’t think I could stand another British embarrassment. We’ve had the wobbly bridge the Beagle2 and what was the other thing, oh the British Space Program (a hot-air balloon off the coast of Cornwall) didn’t even get two feet off the ground, or should I say Sea.

The embarrassment reached such intensity I had to hide behind the sofa. Anyway, the upshot of this new alleged breakthrough, no doubt as a result of years of research and development, they have discovered that if you put a bunch of fatties together in one place and be nice to them and feed them healthy food, oh and introduce exercise into their daily lives, wait for it….they lose weight!

In Britain it takes an army of so-called experts to realise that kids get fat because they sit around all day watching TV and eating Monster Munch, unbelievable! The irony of course is that these so-called experts are all sitting around scratching their arses and getting clinically obese stuffing themselves with my money, its called funding, and is the key to unimaginable wealth here in Britain. What was it, the British Leyland concerto consists of four movements, all of them slow with a four hour tea-break etc. Nothing has changed!

Talking of Monster Munch (actually it was Cheesy Wotsits) I am reminded of a story relayed to me some time ago by my guitarist who suddenly felt the urge to get fit and go to the gym. Silly sod! Anyway, he was there one day when a big fat kid came in eating a bag of Monster Munch. Apparently he immediately headed for the walking machine. Well, the kid started slowly, still eating Monster Munch, gradually built up speed and a sweat. He then pressed the wrong button and this thing suddenly went into warp drive. As a result fatty slipped and found himself sideways-on. The machine still chundering away underneath him, the kid, amidst the mayhem was still holding his bag of Monster Munch desperately trying not to spill any! He was eventually pulled away having suffered third degree burns on his ass. Even though he sustained considerable injuries he was more upset about his bag of Monster Munch.

There’s been much talk in the science community lately about obesity being genetic. This is total bollocks; it might be the case for a few people (people with a specific medical condition) but for the many, no. You only have to look in people’s supermarket trolleys to see why they have a problem. Mr and Mrs grossly overweight are simply going to use this genetic theory/argument to justify the bloated contents of their shopping baskets! The situation in the UK is so desperate that the authorities are now taking obese children into care because it is considered a form of abuse. This might seem draconian but what else can you do when removing the child could well save its life.

I recently visited our local leper colony (otherwise known as Exeter) and I couldn’t help noticing how ill people looked. It’s not just a weight issue. There were young girls (teenagers) with protruding veins on their legs, without sounding like doctor Higgs I would say varicose veins. I find this shocking; at their age this is almost certainly caused by diet and subsequent constipation. I know this because there was a study done recently about people’s bowel movements around the globe (a good bedtime read if ever there was one). Anyway they discovered that there were remote tribes in Africa whose diet consisted of mainly vegetables, nuts and berries etc. did not suffer with a whole raft of circulation related ailments associated with western culture. Apparently, when their bowel movements were inspected they discovered that what was normal to them, here would be considered extreme diarrhoea; we’re in cow-pat territory now. So, it seems constipation is the key…

I just love talking shit…

Higgs Boson

FUN FUN Funding….

admin — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 20:53:41 +0000

FUN FUN Funding….

Its all about the funding..

I would dearly love to meet the scientist who persuaded the politician to part with 6 billion quid!

A few years ago I unfortunately fractured my shoulder and subsequently contracted pleurisy/pneumonia, nearly died. Such was my complete and utter lack of communicative skills I was unable to persuade a one plank short of a tree house government dept to pay me £60 per week in sickness benefit. So I thought to myself, imagine the level of intellect required to persuade the government to fund various science projects, e.g. those associated with particle physics, CERN and Fermilab etc. I rekon the scientist who oversaw this part of the proceedings (sold the idea to the government) must have been one of the cleverest fekers to have ever walked the face of this planet and would make Stephen Hawking look like the illegitimate love-child of Jade Goody and Benny from Crossroads…

I mean, how did that conversation go? Well sir, we need funding for our new project. Oh, and what’s that then? Err – well, we need to find an imaginary sub-atomic particle associated with the beginning of time! Great! How much do you need? Err – well, how much have you got? I’ll tell you what, I’ll just sign the cheque and you will just have to fill it in yourselves…

I want this fucker on my PR team immediately! PR team, who am I kidding! Its been a life long ambition of mine to be nationalised and run at a loss of about 2 million a year! I had a funny dream the other night. I dreamt that the bank was stuffed to the rafters with my money and as a result no one could get in! Big cues were forming outside while the Army were called in to force the door!

Unfortunately, I then woke up..

Perchance to dream!

Funding is a fascinating issue though; there must be mind-blowing levels of corruption when it comes to various government contracts etc. And it looks like research and development (R&D) the food industry and the science community in general are the worst offenders. Or are they?

Take the National Lottery; basically a tax on the poor to fund yet more ridiculous projects dreamt up by the overpaid, pissed and over educated. Was the Dome not funded from Lottery money, an after dinner thought if ever there was one? As I understand it there have been a number of projects funded by the lottery that should have come from general taxation. I won’t dwell in this coz it’s sooo boring, lets move on to more furtive ground or should I say space…

The Space Program; yes yes all very exciting, benefits to mankind and all that. I can see you all sat there with your mouths open, stunned that I could be saying this, but think about it. It’s about the justification of spending huge amounts of taxpayers’ money. Surely you would agree that any decision to spend public money needs to be justified?

Do you not think that the money would be much better spent on trying to save this planet rather than spending trillions on trying to get a ‘chosen few’ to another? Mars possibly? Who the fuck wants to live on Mars? Me actually, just the other day some poor sod was mugged for his training shoes! My immediate thought, beam me up Scotty! Talking of which, people definitely watch too much Star Trek. They actually think that NASA will have us all star-trekking around various quadrants of the galaxy at warp speed, by next year! It does not get anymore delusional than that. Or does it?

I’m told the only benefit to mankind as a result of the Moon landings was Teflon…

Other subsequent so-called benefits include:

1. Development of 4GL relational database language.
2. Development of Fuel Cell power.
3. Development of rocket designs that are now used to launch satellites and the Hubble telescope.
4. Medical CAT scan
5. Cordless power tools
6. Mylar
7. Cool suits (used by race car drivers)
8. Adhesive bondings
9. Various detectors for gases, infrared, cosmic rays, and many more used in various industries today
10. Heat shielding used today in high performance cars.

The point is that we could easily live without most of these things and in any case it would not be that long before some geek in a garage invented half this stuff anyway. The American government spent millions of taxpayers’ money on developing a ball-point pen that would write in zero gravity, the Russians used a pencil!!!

Laugh, I nearly shat!

Scientists have clearly gone completely mad. Apparently, the latest discovery has created tremendous excitement among scientists. The Gliese 581 super-Earth is in what scientists call the "Goldilocks Zone" where temperatures "are just right" for life to have a chance to exist, – really! – commenting on the discovery, Alison Boyle, the curator of astronomy at London’s Science Museum, said: "Of all the planets we’ve found around other stars, this is the one that looks as though it might have the right ingredients for life." It’s 20 light-years away and so we won’t be going there anytime soon, (you don’t say) but with new kinds of propulsion technology that could change in the future. Pffffffhh..And obviously we’ll be training some powerful telescopes on it to see what we can see," she told BBC News. Oh for fuck sake!

What the humping-tosspots are these people on? Personally I couldn’t give a flying shit if there are microbes living on Mars or anywhere else for that matter. The fact is we are not going to find another planet such as the one we inhabit so we might as well make the most of it and try and preserve what we already have. If a group of mentally disturbed billionaires wish to privately fund a space mission that’s fine, but it should not be funded out of general taxation.

The trouble is our mentally challenged politicians get caught up in this alleged excitement and start throwing hard-earned public money at the madness, using this "’Is there life anywhere else?’ as justification.

I DON’T F****ING CARE!!!!

Anyway I don’t want ET eating my supper! He can fuck off back to zoobledwob and get his own! Microbes support a mighty appetite, I’m told.

Let’s face it, if there was any reachable life out there worth knowing we’d have had their version of the Beatles by now, surely?

I mean, they are literally spending billions on trying to find the higgs Boson and here I am on Myspace!

How kin stupid are they? Well obviously not that stupid, they managed to secure their funding, didn’t they!

Higgs Boson
Nu-jazz Rock Fusion 4 particle physicists, in theory!
www.higgsboson.com

Caveat

If you want a laugh watch the brothers John and Roy Boulting classic ‘I’m All Right Jack’ starring Peter Sellers. It is a brilliant satirical film about corruption. That’s how it worked then and that’s how it works today, only today it’s on a much larger scale.

Sea of Sheds

admin — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 20:38:23 +0000

Sea of Sheds

Oh how our expectations have diminished. Just recently I became a victim to some local hype and heaped a visitation upon the opening of a brand new ASDA Supermarket. Ok, I’m not proud of it; heaped a visitation, where did that come from? I know… My step-father once came home covered in blood having been knocked off his bike. Instead of simply saying ‘some bastard’s just knocked me off me bike’ he said "Alice!!! (my mother) Alice!!! I’ve been a party to an accident"!

Anyroad, on my arrival I noticed a man proudly pacing up and down with an almost impatient stride. I casually approached this man, why? Because I had fuck all else to do, so shut-up…anyway, in an attempt to initiate a conversation I remarked on my surprise as to the level of interest in what is only a glorified shed with ASDA written on the side. He became defensive, perhaps understandably, after proclaiming he was the chief architect. On hearing this I proceeded to insult this man by shouting out ‘ARCHITECT!!! Fuck me, it’s a fucking ‘SHED’ I know builders who’d knock this up of a weekend from drawings on the back of fucking fag packet. You should have seen the look on his face….

What is it about ASDA customers anyway, where the fuck do these people come from? Who are these portly tattooed types who buy nothing but fags (cigarettes) and lottery scratch cards? Apparently, huge numbers of Asdarians drove hundreds of miles to witness the opening of this shed, fucking unbelievable. We’ve unwittingly become a nation of shed-wanderers and no-one seems to be questioning it…until now….

I think old Prince Charles has a point though doesn’t he? About modern architecture, not that sheds constitute architecture. Then again his mum (our Queen) recently opened terminal five at Heathrow, which, it has to be said, is another shed, a big one I grant you, but nonetheless, a shed….the furor that went with it, the fanfare, the bollocks about how wonderful it all is I found utterly bewildering. Is it the Sistine Chapel? No, it’s a fucking shed.

I recently took my daughter to Crealy Adventure Park. The experience for me was – well – sheds, screaming and incredibly loud music that I would happily kill someone to avoid. Crealy was once a farm and for some reason, I would imagine to avoid going out of business, they diversified and turned the whole kit n’ caboodle into an adventure park. Again, a bunch of sheds in the middle of a field with some horrible fast-food outlets and fairground rides etc..At least I now know where Asdarians go on holiday, there were literally thousands of em…Unfortunately it started to piss with rain and hordes of sweaty plebs flocked to the sheds for cover, not unlike the sheep which once adorned the farm, ironically.

My wife had to queue for 30 minutes for our veggie-burgers, serves us right for being vegetarians I suppose but it was slightly depressing that we, even in the confines of an ex farm shed, were being treated as, how should I say, not normal, lepers. Actually that’s normal for me; I don’t feel normal any more. It reminded me of flying with Lufthanser. As a vegetarian you have to pre-book what they call a ‘special meal’. A normal meal would be a beef sandwich with cheese whilst a ‘special meal’ is the same but with no beef. In other words, a fucking cheese sandwich..

I find it incredibly difficult to deal with certain situations, especially ones that strike me as being a bit odd or deliberately contrived to annoy me. I find it difficult because usually 98% of my brain is taken up by trying to work out a better way, an alternative as opposed to just accepting what is rather than dealing with the situation at hand…..My poor wife. I’m fast becoming a ‘problem old git’..

Anyway, this so-called day out for me was incredibly depressing, I tried my absolute hardest, for my daughter’s sake, to have a good time but all the way through the ordeal I felt so detached from the other people. My daughter of course had a wonderful time but I couldn’t help thinking what a shame Crealy wasn’t still a farm and people would then be forced to visit somewhere nice…..maybe I’m getting too old?

Keep it above the horizontal………

Higgs

the British curmudgeon….