Given the circumstances, a much more suitable name for our beloved land, me thinks. Here in the UK you will find people with their head stuck so far up their own arses their colons are doing all the thinking. Honestly, there are so many ludicrously expensive shit ideas floating around, usually propagated by some stupid government stink-tank, half the time I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. Paradoxically, in my case, complaining about these things and more importantly expecting anything positive to happen as a result is utterly pointless. It’s like pissing in a tornado because the lunatics are totally in charge of the asylum.

Here’s an example of the average UK subject.

<img src="http://www.rickywolking.com/news/uploads/HEAD-UP-YER-ASS.jpg" align=”center” >

They called it, and still do, a ‘Bank Bailout’. This drives me fucking insane. It was nothing of the sort. What it was, was the biggest transfer of wealth from the taxpayer to the rich in history. It was a depositors bail out, most of whom, thanks to New Labour, found themselves on the right side of the rich divide, which is wider now (gap between haves and have-nots) than it was when Charles Dickens wrote Oliver Twist. That my friends *is* the real legacy of New Labour (the British Government) and in particular Gordon no boom and bust Brown (Mr. Prudence?). Is he having a laugh, or what?

To compound this you have a country that is borrowing itself into oblivion in the unbelievable hope that all this extravagance will be paid for by future taxpayers. Yes, I say extravagance; here we have the Police driving around in virtual super cars (when they’re not flying around in Helicopters that is) in order to catch the odd speeding motorist. The list here is bloody endless, believe me, so I won’t go on, but I will give you an example of something that happened to me just the other day when I was out on my bike.

I stopped for lunch at a particularly grubby little café; actually they’d just renovated it, probably with borrowed money. Anyway, there I was innocently minding my own business when in walked a huge family. When I say huge, I mean these people were fucking big, they could hardly fit through the newly fitted double doors. I thought I’d better get my order in quick; this lot are going to start eating the fucking chairs in a minute. One of them had a bad leg, could hardly walk, probably fell over somewhere and caused an earthquake? Anyway, they finally managed to sit down. What did they order? Well, ‘Cheesy Chips’ sounds fucking disgusting to me, but yes, coronary inducing hollow tubes of fat covered with cheese. I thought, well fuck me, if ever there was a country that deserved to get fat and die of a fucking heart attack, this was it, and when they mentioned ‘sausages’ I half expected a whole roasted pig to appear.

All they seemed to talk about was what they did at the doctors. Presumably, all of them had considerable medical issues, no doubt mainly caused by their diet. This is just one family; imagine the cost to the taxpayer every time one of these fekers goes to the doctor with a gammy leg and worse. How can this country afford it? Of course the fact is, errrm, it can’t afford it, because the UK is bankrupt. People talk of the inadequacies of the NHS and shortages in the armed forces etc. Why the fuck is anyone surprised about that? Because we can’t afford a National Health Service or any armed forces to start with.

The Institute for Fiscal Studies is recommending a 14% cut in every government dept. I think the truth of the matter is that it should be nearer 50%. With a General Election looming are there any politicians brave enough to highlight this?

No, of course there aren’t.

In an attempt to lighten your day, here’s an example of my dodgy piano playing…

Higgs Boson

This, ladies and gentlemen is the title of a new BBC program due to be aired over the coming weeks. I haven’t seen it, I’ve only seen the advertisements, but from what I can gather it’s basically a bunch of famous rich celebs who have suddenly decided they want to know what it feels like to be ‘jobless’ out of work and broke. Apparently, they want to understand the despair and the feeling of having no hope.

This is ridiculous isn’t it? How can these hugely successful celebrities possibly even begin to understand and, more importantly, what is the point of it? If this is what the BBC call entertainment then God help us because this looks like another biblical waste of license payer’s money.

I would say that anyone who is actually entertained by this sort of program needs to be put out of their misery!

Higgs Boson

Question: Pat, could you tell us your opinion about Kenny G? It appears you were quoted as being less than enthusiastic about him and his music. I would say that most of the serious music listeners in the world would not find your opinion surprising or unlikely, but you were vocal about it for the first time. You are generally supportive of other musicians it seems.

Pat’s Answer: Kenny G is not a musician I really had much of an opinion about at all until recently. There was not much about the way he played that interested me one way or the other either live or on records. I first heard him a number of years ago playing as a sideman with Jeff Lorber when they opened a concert for my band. My impression was that he was someone who had spent a fair amount of time listening to the more pop oriented sax players of that time, like Grover Washington or David Sanborn, but was not really an advanced player, even in that style. He had major rhythmic problems and his harmonic and melodic vocabulary was extremely limited, mostly to pentatonic based and blues-lick derived patterns, and he basically exhibited only a rudimentary understanding of how to function as a professional soloist in an ensemble; Lorber was basically playing him off the bandstand in terms of actual music. But he did show a knack for connecting to the basest impulses of the large crowd by deploying his two or three most effective licks (holding long notes and playing fast runs; never mind that there were lots of harmonic clams in them) at the key moments to elicit a powerful crowd reaction (over and over again).

The other main thing I noticed was that he also, as he does to this day, play horribly out of tune—consistently sharp. Of course, I am aware of what he has played since, the success it has had, and the controversy that has surrounded him among musicians and serious listeners. This controversy seems to be largely fueled by the fact that he sells an enormous amount of records while not being anywhere near a really great player in relation to the standards that have been set on his instrument over the past sixty or seventy years. And honestly, there is no small amount of envy involved from musicians who see one of their fellow players doing so well financially, especially when so many of them who are far superior as improvisers and musicians in general have trouble just making a living.

There must be hundreds, if not thousands of sax players around the world who are simply better improvising musicians than Kenny G on his chosen instruments. It would really surprise me if even he disagreed with that statement. Having said that, it has gotten me to thinking lately why so many jazz musicians (myself included, given the right “bait” of a question, as I will explain later) and audiences have gone so far as to say that what he is playing is not even jazz at all. Stepping back for a minute, if we examine the way he plays, especially if one can remove the actual improvising from the often mundane background environment that it is delivered in, we see that his saxophone style is in fact clearly in the tradition of the kind of playing that most reasonably objective listeners WOULD normally quantify as being jazz.

It’s just that as jazz or even as music in a general sense, with these standards in mind, it is simply not up to the level of playing that we historically associate with professional improvising musicians. So, lately I have been advocating that we go ahead and just include it under the word jazz, since pretty much of the rest of the world OUTSIDE of the jazz community does anyway, and let the chips fall where they may. And after all, why he should be judged by any other standard, why he should be exempt from that that all other serious musicians on his instrument are judged by if they attempt to use their abilities in an improvisational context playing with a rhythm section as he does?

He SHOULD be compared to John Coltrane or Wayne Shorter, for instance, on his abilities (or lack thereof) to play the soprano saxophone and his success (or lack thereof) at finding a way to deploy that instrument in an ensemble in order to accurately gauge his abilities and put them in the context of his instrument’s legacy and potential. As a composer of even eighth note based music, he SHOULD be compared to Herbie Hancock, Horace Silver or even Grover Washington. Suffice it to say, on all above counts, at this point in his development, he wouldn’t fare well. But, like I said at the top, this relatively benign view was all until recently.

Not long ago, Kenny G put out a recording where he overdubbed himself on top of a 30+ year old Louis Armstrong record, the track “What a wonderful world.” With this single move, Kenny G became one of the few people on earth I can say that I really can’t use at all—as a man, for his incredible arrogance to even consider such a thing, and as a musician, for presuming to share the stage with the single most important figure in our music.

This type of musical necrophilia—the technique of overdubbing on the preexisting tracks of already dead performers—was weird when Natalie Cole did it with her dad on “Unforgettable” a few years ago, but it was her dad. When Tony Bennett did it with Billie Holiday it was bizarre, but we are talking about two of the greatest singers of the 20th century who were on roughly the same level of artistic accomplishment. When Larry Coryell presumed to overdub himself on top of a Wes Montgomery track, I lost a lot of the respect that I ever had for him, and I have to seriously question the fact that I did have respect for someone who could turn out to have have such unbelievably bad taste and be that disrespectful to one of my personal heroes. But when Kenny G decided that it was appropriate for him to defile the music of the man who is probably the greatest jazz musician that has ever lived by spewing his lame-ass, jive, pseudo-bluesy, out-of-tune, noodling, wimped out, fucked up playing all over one of the great Louis’ tracks (even one of his lesser ones), he did something that I would not have imagined possible. He, in one move, through his unbelievably pretentious and calloused musical decision to embark on this most cynical of musical paths, shit all over the graves of all the musicians past and present who have risked their lives by going out there on the road for years and years developing their own music inspired by the standards of grace that Louis Armstrong brought to every single note he played over an amazing lifetime as a musician.

By disrespecting Louis, his legacy and by default, everyone who has ever tried to do something positive with improvised music and what it can be, Kenny G has created a new low point in modern culture—something that we all should be totally embarrassed about—and afraid of. We ignore this, “let it slide,” at our own peril. His callous disregard for the larger issues of what this crass gesture implies is exacerbated by the fact that the only reason he possibly have for doing something this inherently wrong (on both human and musical terms) was for the record sales and the money it would bring. Since that record came out, in protest, as insignificant as it may be, I encourage everyone to boycott Kenny G recordings, concerts and anything he is associated with. If asked about Kenny G, I will diss him and his music with the same passion that is in evidence in this little essay. Normally, I feel that musicians all have a hard enough time, regardless of their level, just trying to play good and don’t really benefit from public criticism, particularly from their fellow players. But, this is different. There ARE some things that are sacred, and amongst any musician that has ever attempted to address jazz at even the most basic of levels, Louis Armstrong and his music is hallowed ground. To ignore this trespass is to agree that NOTHING any musician has attempted to do with their life in music has any intrinsic value, and I refuse to do that. (I am also amazed that there HASN’T already been an outcry against this among music critics—where ARE they on this?????!?!?!?!- , magazines, etc.). Everything I said here is exactly the same as what I would say to Gorelick if I ever saw him in person. And if I ever DO see him anywhere, at any function, he WILL get a piece of my mind and maybe a guitar wrapped around his head.

Sir John Dankworth, a mainstay of the British jazz scene for over 60 years, has died, his family has confirmed. Saxophonist Sir John, 82, served as musical director to the likes of Nat King Cole and Ella Fitzgerald. Sir John, known as Johnny, was knighted in 2006 for services to music. He died at the King Edward VII Hospital in London on Saturday. His wife, the singer Dame Cleo Laine, announced his death at a concert at their theatre in Buckinghamshire. The concert was celebrating 40 years of the theatre, which the couple founded in the grounds of their home in Wavendon. In a statement, his agent said: “The all-star concert, featuring numerous British stars of stage, screen and recordings, became a tribute to John.” He was hailed by Jazzwise magazine as “one of the totemic figures of British jazz” and the UK’s “first major jazz musician”.

‘International figure’

His agent Jim Murtha, speaking from New York, told the BBC it was “a sad day”. Mr Murtha added: “For British jazz and jazz around the world, I believe John has become such an international figure, particularly since he became Sir John Dankworth a few years ago.” On his Twitter page, jazz singer Jamie Cullum hailed Sir John as a “genius”. He wrote: “Sir John Dankworth, a great man and one of our finest musicians and composers, has died. Rest in peace sir.”

In brief:

Sir John and Dame Cleo met in 1950 while he was auditioning for singers with his band, the Dankworth Seven.
He also leaves a son and a daughter, both jazz musicians.

In 1993 Sir John formed the Dankworth Generation Band, with his son Alec.

After winning a place at the Royal Academy of Music aged 17, and following a short spell in the Army, the young Sir John was voted British Musician of the Year in 1949.

The same year he attended the Paris Jazz Festival, where he played with the legendary Charlie Parker.

In the 1960s, Sir John scored such films as Saturday Night and Sunday Morning, The Servant and Modesty Blaise and wrote the theme tunes for The Avengers and Tomorrow’s World.

Sir John and Dame Cleo founded their charity, the Wavendon Allmusic Plan, in 1969, which led to the establishment of the Stables.

He was appointed CBE in 1974 and founded the London Symphony Orchestra Summer Pops in 1985.

Sir John was a fellow of the Royal Academy of Music and received the Freedom of the City of London in 1994.

Higgs Boson

I don’t know about you but I’m starting to feel a bit old and as much as I try to fight it, more worryingly, I’m actually starting to *think* old, and I’ve started to breath like my father when he was a certain age too, you know, expelling excessive amounts of air through the nose, no, maybe it’s just me then. Anyway, this is incredibly annoying because there is literally no point in expending any energy whatsoever on worrying about something you cannot actually do anything about. We all get old, I accept that, but I must admit, other old people are starting to irritate the living shit out of me. There really are some very nasty old selfish codgers wandering or worse driving around with no purpose it seems other than to get in my fucking way, and why oh why do over-weight people, pensioners usually, always stand chatting in doorways? Where’s my gun? Scrooge was right, better to decrease the surplus population and what better way to go? And I’d be doing a public service by freeing up countless doorways and liberating the eardrums of mine and every other compos mentis human being from having to endure seemingly endless pointless conversations. I have noticed amongst my own relatives that the older they are, the madder they are, they get one mad idea after another, and I don’t know about you but I find it utterly exhausting to deal with. My own mother for instance will make up anything just for the sake of it in order to have some pointless conversation about something that either doesn’t exist or is about a subject that is literally mind-numbingly trivial.

Just the other day I was aimlessly meandering through our local town (again) and I swear to god I started to feel like Clive Owen in that film Children of Men, a very depressing little film if there ever was one. Anyway, I got caught-up in Marks & Spencer (retail shop) and in struggled a man, being helped, severely out of breath taking very short steps, grey expressionless face, mouth fixed open, he had what I would describe as the ‘look of death’ about him. I said to my wife, that bloke, he looks like he’s about to peg-out? And sure enough ten minutes later the Ambulance arrived and carted this poor guy off. I later discovered that if you die in Marks & Spencer they pay compensation to the family. This explains virtually everything one needs to know about our stupid ‘culture’.

People it seems are obsessed with teenage behaviour but the spotlight is never focused in on all those embittered old buggers driving around with no particular purpose, they’re either standing around in doorways, queue jumping old bastards that think they have a complete moral monopoly to barge their way into any situation and expect to be served before anyone else, fuckers! They push, they shove, they are probably the rudest people on the planet. The English that is, I can’t speak for anywhere else. Why should they get instant sympathy, they’ve had a long life, they should be grateful for that. but oh no. Just a couple of months ago I was actually the victim of a road-rage incident. You are not going to believe this but there I was, innocently minding my own business, well, I was in a car obviously, came up to a roundabout and spotted in the distance some old fucker driving a Rover, as they invariably do, and I thought, hang on, I must pull out before that git gets too close or I’ll be stuck behind him for all eternity! Anyroadup, I pulled out to turn left and this bloke was absolutely livid, waving his fists and everything. He looked about 75 ish, it actually cross my mind to let him catch-up and for once I could kick some ass, but unfortunately sense got the better of me. When he did catch-up, because I eventually had to turn right, I have never seen such anger in a mans face. The thing was though, I didn’t hold him up at all really, I was miles in front of him when I initially pulled out, so what was his fekin problem? His problem was simple ‘old’, his marbles had seriously diminished and was no longer able to think rationally, well what’s he doing with a fucking driving license then?

I must admit that I myself have become a victim of this endless quest to remain young by staying as healthy as possible, in my case I have started to exercise by risking life and limb cycling on the open road, and believe you me, it is risking life and limb because cars are getting fatter, people are getting fatter, our local council can’t decide whether to widen the pavements or the fucking roads! Also, everywhere you go is either uphill or down so cycling is no mean feat here in Devon where I live. Anyway, on this obsession with age and beauty, there’s a rather amusing television program here in the UK called ‘Ten Years Younger’, maybe you’ve seen it? Basically they take people who have completely abused their bodies to the extent that when they get into their forties they actually look like they’re in their sixties or seventies in some cases. The aim is, with the aid of either surgery or a bucket of of make-up, to make these people look 10 years younger. What a laugh, don’t they know that beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes all the way to the bone!

If you find yourself inexplicably reading this and happen to be very old, don’t worry, you’ll have forgotten all about it by teatime, I promise, and before you can say prunes and denture cream you’ll be quaffing marzipan with lard butties all washed down nicely with a jam and cabbage milkshake! Although if this is your reality make sure you have plenty of that Izal tracing paper toilet role in stock. I cannot believe that anyone in their right mind still uses that stuff, unbelievable! No wonder they all constantly complain about their arses.

Am I to be spared the indignity of old age? Someone shoot me, please!

On that note……….Merry Christmas & a Glorious New Year to you ALL!

Higgsy

Higgs on Myspace

According to Professor Stott scientists are apparently becoming very defensive about their positions especially when the science leads to a change in government policy and the inevitable spending of huge sums of public money. There has been the creation of other scientists outside the climate science fraternity with other ideas and theories which contribute to climate change. These respected climate change scientists have become excluded voices. According to Professor Stott climate science is an inverted pyramid which rests on a remarkably small foundation and that climate science relies on just a few people, perhaps just 30/40 scientists/researchers. If any of the science is proven to be questionable then the whole of that pyramid in effect, collapses.

Jonathon Porritt had to admit that the integrity of the science had been severely damaged but then accused Stott of slightly over egging the case about the inverted pyramid metaphor because the research is based on thousands of pieces of evidence that is happening in the climate now i.e visible evidence like polar ice-caps melting and so on. Professor Stott’s riposte was that simply seeing things happen does not necessarily give us an idea of cause. In other words you are going to have climate change no matter what happens. Professor Stott went on to explain that temperature and Co2 are driven by the hydrological cycle – water vapour – so to suggest that melting polar ice-caps is caused by rising co2 levels is in fact a false correlation.

Professor Stott reckoned that the really crucial aspect about the leaked emails is the political impact more than the science because prior to the Copenhagen summit there was a private meeting between China, India, Brazil and South Africa setting a unique agenda that not all politicians have grasped. These countries have apparently agreed to walk out of the talks if they don’t get what they want. Jonathon Porritt had to agree that the impact was profound and that there are lots of countries who will take a stand based on their national interests and that they don’t want deep cuts or to find a different way in order to live in a low-carbon world.

Finally, professor Stott said that there is undoubtedly an element of human influence on climate change and that in so complex a system managing one factor at the margins will not produce a predictable outcome. Because of this the whole agenda should change to how do we adapt to change – hot – cold – wet – dry. Putting a vast amount of resources in trying to produce a given result is the inherent danger we face because the politicians do not really grasp the complexities of climate science.

To a simpleton like me what Stott is saying here seems to be perfectly reasonable given that scientists now accept that the earths temperature has not increased in the last ten years. Scientists appear to be basing their global warming theories on the assumption that the earth’s temperature has gradually risen over the last 100 years by 0.75% degrees centigrade and claim that the burning of fossil fuels and deforestation is largely to blame. Scientists can’t even agree on what was the hottest year in the last 100 years, some say 1998 and others 1934. Anyway, if you consider how people lived during the first part of the 20th century i.e most houses across Europe were heated with open coal fires etc. this is obviously no longer the case. With this in mind, if it is being claimed that the 0.75% is the human contribution it would be interesting to find out whether or not the devastating effects of say two World Wars, Vietnam and Chernobyl, are being factored into this 0.75% increase in temperature, in other words what percentage of that 0.75% is directly attributable to said factors? If it is, then what about natural phenomenon like volcanic activity and Sun spots?

The real answer is that they simply don’t know. Humans clearly contribute to green house gas emissions but are not the sole cause of climate change, which is inferred in the way in which the case is being presented by the politicians and some journalists. That said, I do believe that even if it were proven beyond doubt that humans could overt disaster by decreasing green house gas emissions and counteract gas emissions caused by natural events it is still worth cleaning up our act. What I disagree with is the way all the so-called experts are recommending we achieve this, because the answer is bleeding obvious. Have less children, stop deforestation. That’s it folks..no need for wind farms, solar panels, electric cars and everything else that’s going to be rammed down our throats over the coming years. The thing that most concerns me is that in the face of conflicting evidence the politicians only concern themselves with how they are going to be able to persuade the public to embrace a low carbon economy, whether we actually need it or not.

Higgs Boson

Copyright Higgs Boson 2009

Part three

As I was saying Super-Ted despite appearances was actually a formidable guitarist, his style of playing could stretch from George Benson to Steve Vai if the need arose. So when Depeche Mode and in particular that floppy haired parrot faced wazock one starts barracking we played our party-piece which was at that point Killer Joe. This to be honest was a bit of a pointless exercise because it went completely over their heads, however we invited them to step up and show us how it’s done. I think they actually ran away. They had the last laugh though, I mean being that their stage performances consisted of merely walking on stage and pressing a few buttons and walking off stage whilst earning enough money to not only occupy the bridle suit in the hotel, but to get the Full Monty treatment from the girls at the bar…gits!

Anyway after a few days when the dust settles the practicalities of life start to hit home, even in a five star hotel. The Teds were becoming increasingly concerned about the van. Apparently, an assortment of Danish mechanics had inspected the van and was unable to find the problem. Of course the Teds were blissfully unaware that they had put the wrong fuel in. This was to be the start of a series of biblical financial disasters for the Teds…Eventually they discovered what the problem was but the van alone ended up costing them two weeks wages for one Ted.

In an attempt to drown their sorrows, on our night off, the Teds decide to hit the town. I stayed at home to wallow in misery, well not just that, I was the only Ted burdened with financial obligations in that I had a mortgage to pay on my house in Devon…Anyway, I spent most of the evening in my room pacing up and down, I was actually looking forward to their return, I knew something would happen that would cause me to cheer up a bit so I went down to the reception area to wait for them. On the way down I shared a lift with Sinead O’Connor, I thought shall I say something, what should I say that she would remember? The only thing I could think of was; my God you’re small! Which ironically is what they’ll probably say when I’m discovered. In the event I said nothing, pathetic.

Anyway, eventually some glum faces appeared at the doors, it was the Teds. I said "what’s up" they could hardly bring themselves to speak, but eventually the truth came out. Apparently they were having a top time in this supposed English restaurant and were making merry with a rather nice bottle of red (Baron Von Rothschild) as it happens. On devouring said bottle of red, Super-Ted calls the waiter and casually orders another to be sent to the table immediately, with all speed!!! The waiter approached with raised eyebrows and a look of surprise/consternation as it were, he announced to a hushed crowd of pissed Teds that there was only one bottle in the entire establishment and the one they had consumed, was it. Super-Ted gazes down at the menu, stares at it for several minutes in disbelief when he has to break the terrible news. What they thought was 200 Krona was in fact 2000 Krona.. I must admit on hearing this tale of woe I very nearly soiled my pants, I can’t ever remember laughing so much…. They were very upset though, but my problem was the more I thought about it the funnier it got. Super-Ted became Baron Von Super-Ted (BVST ) and so on, almost infinitesimal amounts of fun could be had at their expense hahahahaaa. To be fair the trouble is when you venture out into foreign parts it’s easy to get confused about currency. I mean does 10 Krona buy a bag of chips or a car? Unfortunately, in the case of the Teds it was just one sip of wine to which one tearful Ted remarked "if we’d known it was that expensive we would have enjoyed it more"…I don’t think so Ted..

It came to pass that the Teds became virtual vagrants in a five star hotel. They were drinking themselves to death (costing yet more money) in order to forget their problems, which was money! One Ted devoured the entire mini-bar in his room forgetting that this was THE most expensive way of amusing yourself, especially in this particular hotel. Such was the level of poverty, one evening Super-Ted casually announced that not only did he not wear any underpants but he was wearing the same pair of trousers he had on back in Cornwall. Can you imagine? Not even in my wildest imagination could I imagine what lurked in the Baron’s nether-regions, and he was the one with the girl friend!! Can you imagine? No….don’t go there!

Moving on, one of the Teds decided to invite a mate over from England to stay and enjoy a binge weekend at the Teds expense! This was yet another stupid idea that was bound to end in tears. After we played our set on the Friday evening Ted and his mancunian ‘mad for it’ mate went night-clubbing in down-town Copers. In the morning I awoke to banging on the door, I opened the door and standing there was a Ted flanked by two police officers. Ted had been arrested and was asking me to bail him out to the tune of 2000 Krona. He had to ask me, I was the only one with any money. I had no choice. I of course inquired as to the reason for his arrest and apparently they emerged from a well-known club in the early hours and decided to go shopping (with no money). Ted in his infinite wisdom, having allegedly previously succeeded in steeling a pair of leather gloves, in what I can only presume to be a state of drunken desperation decided to try and steel another pair, but this time they were tagged and he was duly arrested outside the shop. Needles to say I owned his jailbird ass after this. Not a happy position. It is however with considerable regret that I cannot take the moral high-ground here because on leaving the hotel I stole one of the hotels piano stools because someone said Paul McCartney had sat on it and that it would bring me luck, did it? Did it f***. I think I got away with it?..…I still have it….

I remember towards the end of our stay in Denmark on another ‘night off’ we were all invited to dinner by what appeared to be a very respectable Danish lady. When we arrived at this woman’s house we were greeted by an assortment of friends and family, at least that’s who we thought they were…The evening seemed to go quite well, that was until one of the guests started removing items of clothing – Super-Teds reaction was quite dramatic, the abject fear that he would somehow be forced to reveal what lurked beneath the Super-Ted trousers, the unwashed Cornish Super-Nudger would have to make an unscheduled appearance. It seems we had unwittingly happened upon a group of ‘swingers’. Of course jailbird Ted was in his element, he invites himself to this womans bedroom, strips off and just lay there with an expectant look on his face. At this point, I must admit even I was becoming nervous and decided to pitch-in with Super-Ted and Girl-Ted and scarper (embark upon an extrusion) as they say..

After all this I must admit the thought of the trip home was starting to look a bit bleak what with all the financial losses being ratcheted-up and the Teds lurching from one disaster to another. For my part it was with a sense of considerable foreboding that I would have to go along with the next Ted adventure. The problem was that our agent was seriously ill and was therefore unable to help us get any more gigs in Denmark, so we were facing having to go back to England. Super-Ted, who was the band spokesman in this regard, simply because he was the one who originally organised the hotel gig through this agent, was frantically phoning around trying to get gigs anywhere he could. Unfortunately, there was a recession on and money was tight all round.

Eventually, Super-Teds plan was for us all to travel down to Spain and live as wild woodland creatures sleeping out in the open-air on lashed together lengths of 4×2 fixed to the back of his van. I’m not making this up, that was his plan! We’d gone from luxury to vagrancy in just five weeks. The Higg does not do sleeping rough; needles to say we went back to England, the journey back home actually went without a hitch, but we made it….

Can you imagine?

I hope you enjoyed the Gig

Higgs Boson

PS. If there are any film makers out there who want to turn this story into a film and require a script – I’m your man….

Copyright: Higgs Boson 2007

Global Warming

What troubles me about this whole debate, if you can call it that, is that if anyone dares to question the alleged globally accepted wisdom of climate change scientists they are more or less treated as holocaust deniers, fringe lunatics on the very edge of sanity. Here in the UK environmentalism is getting very evangelical and is actually on the cusp of being legally viewed as a religion. It will mean that you cannot be fired/sacked or even made redundant if you happen to have certain unspecified deeply held beliefs about the environment. Another thing is that whenever broadcasters debate this issue, rarely is that debate balanced, by that I mean they never manage to find a scientist –  and they do exist –  to put a counter argument to this whole global warming issue. By that I mean no one is arguing that the climate doesn’t fluctuate; the issue is whether or not, or at least to what extent humans are responsible for that climate fluctuation.

As I see it the problem is a real dichotomy for the creatures who aim to control us all, because you cannot on one hand support the perpetual growth of the human population and talk about raising living standards etc. whilst simultaneously delivering the necessary actions required to save the planet. That’s simplifying it I know because there are so many complex forces all pulling in different directions. Because of this I believe that multi-property owning energy munching politicians should just shut the fuck-up. I also believe that whatever they say about the importance of this so-called new Copenhagen Treaty, will be, and is already proving to be, total bollocks. This treaty will undoubtedly lead to a festival of utterly stupefying legislation that’ll drive us all nuts. They say it’s important; no it isn’t, not really. What’ll happen is that a few people/companies/countries, probably their mates, will become incredibly rich on the back of their carbon trading policies because the commercial world is simply not able to operate within their parameters as set out no doubt in said treaty. If the environmentalists are to be believed then we need zero emissions now, not in 2020. But the thing is politicians simply won’t tell us the truth because zero emissions or even lowering emissions to any great extent in the short term means the end of capitalism, the end of industrialisation and the end of life as we know it.

I am not going to be the first person to say this but anyone serious about saving the planet would not be using the Internet, inconvenient I know but imagine how much energy it requires, the world over. I suppose new technologies will emerge and PC’s will become evermore eco-friendly but I say why can’t we do this now, why can’t we utilise the energy from existing internet usage? As we all know approximately 95% of internet traffic is pornography, so why not harness this energy somehow, channel this raw energy into the flux capacitor, so to speak, from the heat generated by our genitals? There’s a thought, the new Dell Genitalia, has a certain ring to it, no? Anyway lap-top fuckers of the world could unite and save the planet at the same time! It could even be an Olympic sport, well maybe not. Anyroad, taking Microsoft’s touch-screen technology in just a few years that could really take-off, as this technology develops I can envisage computers that look and feel exactly like a real woman or real man depending upon your particular persuasion. The interesting thing though, for me, is to predict when precisely the scientists take a step back and think: hang on, why don’t we use real women? There we are, full circle as usual, meanwhile yet another giant whole in the ozone layer has been created and the bloody scientists get to blame someone else, the lap-top fuckers no doubt.

I remember during the last general election campaign fiasco I was innocently drifting through the high street, trying to ignore the pain caused by my wife’s shopping expedition, when I suddenly happened upon a particularly enthusiastic Green Party candidate. Nothing annoys me more than misplaced left wing over enthusiasm. Anyway, unfortunately I was feeling slightly argumentative and for no apparent reason decided to engage the fucker! As I understand it he was basically saying that the planet is being destroyed by global warming, sea levels are rising and we’re all about to drown in a tidal wave of our own shit and the road to salvation is to vote for him, sort of thing, an apocalyptic sermon as it were..Eventually I managed to get a word in. I suppose the look on my face must have said it all because the small gathering suddenly became very quiet, a hushed silence you might say. I started by saying that you could fill the UK Parliament with Green Party MP’s and it wouldn’t make a scrap of difference to what you describe as ‘global warming’, or if you want to be more precise, the rate at which the earth is heating up as a direct result of human agency, of which there is no real evidence and in point of fact there is no real evidence that C02 (carbon dioxide) drives the earths climate anyway. I swear you could actually see steam coming out of this blokes ears, it was almost like saying to a born-again Christian well if your particular god does exist he’s a bit of a c**t, look! Spina bifida!

Why, he said. CHINA, that’s why. The Chinese are opening three new fossil fuel driven power stations every week! Ah, he said, we need to set an example. Oh for fuck sake!! You totally over estimate the potential British input here, we are a tiny sod of earth just off the coast of France, what possible difference could we make? I don’t think there are many foreign countries that’ll be willing to take any lessons from the British do you? I honestly think some of these environmentalists have a sort of Harry Enfield Look Listen and Take Heed Chalmondeley Warner hallucination as to the size of Britain’s influence on these matters. I digress, anyway even if we were to comply with your every fantasy and people en-masse start spending small fortunes on having solar panels and wind turbines etc. Oh and those bloody silly low energy light bulbs the only people that would benefit are those fekers with all their money invested in the making of the sodding stuff. In any case, as I’ve said, there is no real evidence that it is human agency causing climate fluctuation. The fact is that the earth’s climate has been in a state of flux since the dawn of time, humans have only been here five minutes, in geological terms.

Study of pollen has proven that the climate here in England during the Bronze Age was in fact warmer than it is now. Go back even further in time say 500,000 years and here in Devon the climate was virtually sub-tropical, I’m told we had creatures such as Elephants and even Lions wandering around. What fucking global warming, I’m freezing my nuts off here, why do I have to insulate my home if the world is going to be a bit warmer? Well apparently here in the UK it’s going to get colder, I’m sorry, they’ve lost me there! How do they explain these anomalies in America? Are they telling you that Fred Flintstone ran his monster truck on unethical fart power? Talking of which, there’s also growing concern that man’s obsession with all things bovine and the inevitable consequence (cow shit, or to be precise methane) of the meat industry is also having an adverse effect on the climate. It was reported on the BBC News that scientists in India are recommending that people should eat less meat. As a vegetarian I say stop eating meat by all means but don’t subject me and my friends to a bewildering array of insane environmental regulations based on the so-called scientific dodgy dossier evidence dreamt up by various government scientists with their fingers in the fucking till. They’ll say anything for money, look at the oil company Shell or the tobacco industry, they paid scientists a fortune just to say exactly what they wanted to hear. Take it from me, you ARE being manipulated and lied to. Oh, you don’t believe me? Then take a look at this recent article entitled:

Climate scientists accused of ‘manipulating global warming data’

This appeared in the broadsheet news paper – -  The Daily Telegraph – -  In any case, if cows were the main cause of excessive greenhouse gasses what on earth would Brontosaurus farts do to the planet? They must have caused one hell of a hole in the ozone layer over a period of 600 million years, how did it repair itself then? Did the dinosaurs have solar panels and low energy light bulbs? Were they recycling and washing out their Marmite pots? I don’t fucking think so somehow, do you? Maybe it was Fred Flintstone after all, bloody Americans! WILMA!!! Perhaps Fred had one too many Pteranodon curries which culminated in a critical green house gas event in his pants – Rectaloxide (ROX) being the hitherto unaccounted for green house gas in dinosaur extinction folklore. That would’ve been the final straw for the dinosaurs in my view, just one fart too many and – BOOM!

The problem is that there are now huge vested interests in hoodwinking the public into swallowing this whole climate change bollocks. It’s not just politicians and scientists, it’s journalists, university lecturers as well, they are ALL making a very good living, thank you very much, out of spouting this largely unproven bollocks, most of which is pure postulation and guess work, and the public being the public seem to be swallowing it hook line and sinker, as usual. It’s when they start tinkering with the law that pisses me off. I mentioned low energy light bulbs, soon it will be against the law to have any traditional light bulbs in your house, but this again is total crap. This is NOT about saving energy at all. I was talking to an electrician about this and he said that because these new eco light bulbs or halogen lights don’t emit much light, his customers are telling him to install in some cases up to a dozen or more low energy halogen lights to make up for the lack in light, which as a result then uses  much more electricity than having just one florescent tube. In any case I strongly object to being told by government to get buying their light bulbs or face prosecution, it’s the law, which I have no doubt is going to be used as a form of persecution so we are forced to line their pockets. Forcing people by law to use specific light bulbs is not green environmentalism, it’s fascism.

Here in the UK, because the price of heating your home has doubled in recent years, this has culminated in a massive rise in the sale of wood burners. I would imagine, although I could be wrong, but I doubt it, that this would negate or rather cancel-out any alleged gains made by the low energy light bulb extravaganza. Solar panels and in particular those solar tubes for heating water are so expensive they are the preserve of the super-rich and in any case they don’t actually save you any money for nearly 30 years, by which time the bloody stuff will be worn out anyway, especially if it has ‘Made in England’ stamped on it. Not for one moment wishing to sound like Ricky Gervaise but I think someone’s having a laugh here aren’t they?

Then there’s recycling, what a waste of time that is, my mother organises her entire life around recycling and those bloody great big green garden waste bins that she seems to think need filling up, to the brim, at all cost, whether they need filling or no, every week. Then the council arrive in a fucking great lorry to collect all this pointless waste, in the meantime my garden, just like the Brazilian rainforest is fast disappearing. Is this energy efficient or being in any way whatsoever kind to the environment. In my humble opinion, no. Turns out that many councils are exporting our waste to China for processing! How can this possibly be regarded as environmentally friendly? They are cutting down the tropical rain forest in order to produce bio diesel. I don’t care what anyone says, this is literally insane. Again, if governments were serious this activity would stop and stopping this would surely be a lot easier than trying to persuade the great unwashed to change their habits?

If the British government were truly concerned about global warming why do they hound so-called new-age travellers, these are people who, by the very fact they live as they do, have little or no impact on the global environment. If they choose to live and mind their own business in the woods and live outside society, why not let them? Various local governments (councils) up and down the country go to extraordinary lengths to evict people living in this way, again it’s a form of persecution, why? Because it’s all about making the rich middle class feel just a little bit better about themselves, it is only they that can afford all this zero carbon house bollocks. If politicians were actually serious about climate change why are they encouraging local councils up and down the country in the rural areas of Britain to buy loads of clapped-out Double-Decker busses from the cities? These busses emit incredible amounts of pollution because most of there lives have been spent driving around the flat areas of suburbia when suddenly it has to start climbing steep hills. I know, every time I  venture out on my bike I have to breath-in the acrid exhaust fumes of these huge busses being driving around with only one or two passengers on board. Back in 80’s we had mini-busses, what the fuck happened to them?

Here where I live the traffic is now virtually bumper to bumper 4×4’s being driven by people who not only have no concept of the width or the length of their vehicle but people who are completely oblivious to their surroundings and self evidently any ethical dimension to their actions i.e driving their children to school when they only live 500 yards up the road. As Sean Lock said “there are people who would happily fly to the shops”. If the government were serious about climate change why are they encouraging people to buy a new car by scrapping the old one? Why prop-up an industry that is largely responsible for the human contribution to climate change? The list of governmental inconsistencies goes on and on because they wont face up to the fact that capitalism and what they describe as progress sits very uncomfortably with environmentalism and because their selfish voters get twitchy if their life-styles get threatened politicians are shall we say economical with the truth.

I am reminded of something that happened to me in my childhood. I was raised on a farm that was situated at the bottom of a valley which was once formed part of a river system, a tributary I suppose, I’m told that the valley was once tidal. Following development, this meant that the valley occasionally flooded and when this happened half the town got flooded, including our farm. Anyway one year it was particularly bad to the extent that I thought we were all going to drown. My step father was having his breakfast, as usual, when I entered and warned him that perhaps we should start moving stuff upstairs. This advice was treated with utter contempt, he just sat there stuffing his face, oh well I thought, he can fucking drown then for all I care, perhaps he could use a slice of toast as a life raft, twat. Anyway, sure enough the water was coming across the main road and into the farmyard. Eventually, the water came within an inch of our front door and still the stupid man was acting as if nothing was happening. It was only when he opened the door to a room we called the ‘bug-hole’ (a workshop) anyway he opened the door and to his horror the carpet was literally floating. Only then would he act.

So there we are, do you really think people are going to change their habits? No one in their right mind believes anything governments tells them. and as for people changing now, not a cats chance in hell! The only thing that would stop these women who drive their progeny 500yrds to school is if the price of fuel is raised to £200 per gallon. Is that going to happen, errrrrr, NO!

This very morning I was listening to BBC Radio4 and the subject was of course climate change and this forthcoming Copenhagen Treaty. During the interview with what I presumed was a climate change scientist, the scientist said that there is now irrefutable evidence that humans cause climate change.* This is nothing short of disingenuous isn’t it? To say or suggest that humans are the sole cause of climate change to me is ridiculous. We are partly responsible, possibly? Some scientists say that we need zero carbon emissions now, not in ten years time so what the hell is the point of this Copenhagen Treaty which by all accounts has already failed… Well perhaps the word ‘failed’ is too strong, I dare say they all ‘succeeded’ in claiming their expenses from the public purse, bastards. Don’t kid yourself, they don’t give a flying fuck about the environment, if they did they’d fucking walk to Copenhagen, well the European one’s would..Would I walk there? Don’t be a twat! I’d be circling in me Leer jet, arse out the window shouting ‘eat this fuckers!

A couple of days ago on the BBC News Sophie Rayworth asked the British Environment Secretary Hilary Ben if climate change was responsible for the floods in Cumbria as it is reckoned to be a ‘one in one thousand year event’. Hilary Ben said “well scientists tell us that we will experience more extreme weather as the earth warms up”. Now hang on a minute, just a couple of years ago, if I remember correctly, the scientists were saying that here in Britain we will experience milder winters. Now apparently they are saying that we will experience more frequent ‘extreme events’. They flip-flop more often than the weather ever did. Anyway, Sophie then went on to say that it’s the heaviest rain or most amount of rain in Cumbria since “records” began. What does that mean? Nothing, in terms of how the earths climate is effected by our activities, it’s always fucking raining in Cumbria, I know, I lived their once for six months, in a tent, mad. The thing is rainfall is not the only factor in determining the causes of flooding. Take our valley, as I said. it was once part of a river system. Most of the flooding is caused by water run-off from houses the local council have permitted to be built, not on the flood-plane but higher up on the hills. In other words the water has to go somewhere, downward usually. This rather simple scientific principle is totally lost on local government officials who wonder why the town is prone to flooding. Before all this development water would have simply dissipated/soaked away naturally through the ground, helped by all the trees, which of course have all been felled to make way for completely unnecessary development. I say unnecessary because it’s houses for bloody Londoners, that makes it unnecessary.

So there we are, fuck-all to do with climate change really but the way in which politicians present the issue, suggesting that alleged human driven climate change is the cause, is just plain wrong. Not only that, can anyone really believe them when it is they that are largely responsible for all that is wrong with the world. Talking of trees, they are cutting down the tropical rain forest in order to produce bio diesel. I don’t care what anyone says, this is literally insane. Again, if governments were actually serious and their words actually meant anything this activity would stop immediately, and stopping this would surely be a lot easier than trying to persuade the great unwashed to change their habits before we all become criminals in our own homes?

trouble is there is an inconsistency in my argument because on one hand I am saying that people won’t change their habits and on the other hand not wanting to change the law when clearly the only way to get people to comply is to use the law. Fuck me, it’s going to end up far worse than George Orwell ever could have imagined isn’t it? It’ll be just like what Bill Hicks said about car drivers allowing people to cross the road in LA, only in LA does this common courtesy require legislation, but that’s what people are like all over the world really I suppose, we are fucking doomed, are we not..

Some scientists claim that the cause of climate change has more to do with Sun spots/solar storms and that the activity of the Sun has a far greater effect on the earths climate than previously thought. In 1859 the earth experienced what is described as the ‘perfect storm’. This, even back then, created absolute havoc, but imagine if this were to happen today, it might happen in 2012 because Sun spot cycles recur every eleven years. Anyway if this were to happen on the same scale as in 1859 there would be a literal meltdown of society as we know it, this has absolutely nothing to do with green house gas emissions, but given our total economic dependency on all things electrical, it would surely be a total disaster. Given the multiple of factors involved here I believe that it is perfectly reasonable to say that climate change is caused by a number of much misunderstood phenomenon’s. It is simply not good enough to say that any one cause warrants the spawning of an entire new industry and all the subsequent legislation that will follow, when all they really need to do is tell people to start shagging their laptops instead of each other, in other words; have less children. That my friends is the real inconvenient truth.

Higgs Boson

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Copyright: Higgs Boson 2009

Crime And Punishment

This is a very old chestnut, used by politicians who would have us all believe that they and they alone can solve all our criminal problems by locking everyone up, and some believe the answer to be capital punishment, or as I like to call it, state sponsored murder, for everyone, irrespective of whether or not a crime has actually been committed. Admittedly this only applies to the extreme politician, you know, the ones that sex-up the case for going to war and use the Royal Prerogative to bypass the House of Commons. Anyway, it is my belief that the very idea of justice is in fact a kind of warped mythology. There is no such thing as justice at the end of the day; it is a figment of a politician’s and or lawyer’s limited imagination.

Gandhi said “an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind”. Another way of looking at it perhaps is to say that there is a moral price to pay, whether or not you believe that you are right or wrong, for *legal* retribution. If that is so then where does *justice* fit in? Is justice achieved by attempting to balance what a particular society perceives to be a wrong by causing yet more pain? Does this help to alleviate grief or add to it, ultimately? Time and time again you see people on the court steps proclaiming justice has been done, but has it? I think people mistake justice for revenge, surely that’s just storing up more hatred. You simply cannot cause any kind of inconvenience to someone else without generating a negative reaction. Whatever happened to “turning the other cheek”? 
On this, what a society perceives to be a wrong business. Take Holland for instance. There you can legally have sex with a 13 year old in return for two buckets of cocaine and be given the Queens award for initiative. Thirty miles away in England, you’d get 30 years at Her Majesty’s pleasure for that! There’s no justice! Sit back down, I’m joking!

And don’t run away with the idea that America has the monopoly on reprehensible behaviour. Just a couple of years ago, here in the UK, a woman stabbed her boyfriend in an argument over a burger! I wonder, well not really, but it must have been something else to witness eh? I ordered FRIES YOU FUCKER!!! Stab Stab Stab! Whatever happened to Tony Blair’s cry/sound bite ‘tough on crime, tough on the causes of crime’? I repeat, A BURGER! Also there’s an ongoing case here now about a mother who had her own 8yr old daughter kidnapped for the sole purpose of getting money, you couldn’t make it up!

Of course at the other end of the intellectual spectrum just recently we have a lawyer’s mother suing her lawyer daughter over allegations made in a book about alleged abuse during childhood. I wonder what Christmas dinner in their house is going to be like? I ordered ROYAL SWAN YOU FUCKER!!! Stab Stab Stab! Makes you wonder just how far we’ve come since T Blair’s clause 4 statement/bollocks about the rights we enjoy reflecting the duties we owe, and where we live together, freely, in a spirit of solidarity, tolerance and respect. Pffffff. Ultimately people do not change, as leopards do not change their spots. I say people, as a general rule, have the same sense of morality as they did in back in Tudor England. I could be wrong of course, it’s just a personal view.

Of course the punishment for these people is the fact that they are basically stuck with being them, they are prisoners inside their own heads. A neighbour of mine happens to be much disliked, to put it mildly, hated I think would be a better way to describe it. Anyway one day I casually said to my mother, “Mother I do not hate this man, in fact I feel sorry for him.” “Why my dear son?”, she said, well not exactly those words, anyway I said that I do not hate him because imagine the misery of simply being him, being consumed by all things material and staying up all night inspecting his deeds to make sure any surrounding properties were not in breach of any covenants etc. That and the unimaginable misery of being in close proximity to his pig-ugly wife, no no, being that man would be an absolute nightmare. Anyway hate requires too much energy, then again so does feeling sorry for him, hmmm a dichotomy. 

Anyway, back to the above mentioned women, now you could argue that hanging either of these women would be no great loss to society, and I would almost be inclined to agree, but what does it say about a society that chooses to punish someone, albeit of limited intelligence, to the extent that society has the God given right to take a life? I would say, it hardens society by making life itself appear almost worthless. To the pro-death lobby I would say because you are essentially asking someone else to kill/murder on your behalf, where is the morality or even justice in that? Why should you expect someone else to shoulder the burden? It’s also a submission to fear, a fear that believes crime would rocket if the death penalty were not in place. Some would argue that a life spent in prison is actually a worse punishment than death and would therefore act as a bigger deterrent.

Whenever I see a documentary on the American prison system and in particular death row, black men seem to make up the vast majority of in-mates. Some of them have done terrible things no doubt, but that surely does not justify treating them in this way. Given the recent election victory of Barack Obama, I was wondering, given his “civil rights” background, if he is going to abolish the death penalty? If Obama intends or is persuaded to leave the system alone then I think that tells you everything you need to know about the direction in which he intends to steer the American people. So, in my humble opinion, never mind Guantanamo, the death penalty is the most urgent civil rights issue he faces on his own doorstep, in his own country.

Notwithstanding, I have read that Obama is in fact pro death penalty, but only if it’s the “right guy”. FUCK ME! There I was under the impression I was right of Genghis Kahn and all the time I was left of Obama. There’s nowt as queer as folk! On a serious note, he is making the wild and dangerous assumption that a judicial system has the capacity or capability of being perfect and is therefore unable to arrive at an incorrect decision. This smacks of legal arrogance in the extreme, especially in light of the fact that every other western democracy deals with crime without the death penalty. 

I think you have to put yourself in the position of being the one person, the “one in a million”, who has been wrongly accused, even their own families don’t believe them, and then imagine that long walk to the death chamber. No matter how you look at it, it is nothing more than a system of revenge. If you look at it from a religious stand-point then where are you, exactly? Only God can give life and only God can take life away. If you believe that in your heart, then how could you possibly be pro death penalty? Does this not put Obama’s legal and religious credentials in question? Perhaps he’ll change his mind. Now that would be “change” many Americans, and I suspect those on death row, could live with, whatever they’ve done.Will he act?

We have but two Hopes, No Hope and Bob Hope

Higgs Boson

Copyright: Higgs Boson 2008